Scattered Thoughts

I have all these random thoughts flooding into my mind: Work; past friends; Freedom in Christ; future and present friends; my children's salvation and how they will walk with Christ; mistakes made and lessons learned; filling in for my son's Awana Leader tonight; I am all over the map and I am overwhelmed!

I have been learning, or re-learning a lot about God's Word and how important it is to knowing God. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Hebrews 4:12
"The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
I just think of the Word working around in me and doing stuff, cutting through me and really changing me on a core level. When I let it marinate within me it brings about a peace that really does "surpass all understanding." I used to deal with huge struggles with lust and impurity years ago in my early college days. I was in bondage. One of the ways to change my thought life was to memorize scripture. I carried around index cards with verses on them and I would set a countdown timer on my watch for 15 minutes and and I would recite the verse every time the alarm went off. I carried the verse cards for years. I eventually stopped carrying around the cards.
About 5 years ago when I moved from the city I grew up in I started carrying them again. I was at a low place spiritually and felt very dead. When I moved I had none of my friends around and I was very lonely. God brought me to where we moved to, his hand was in it all. I felt like I was so stagnant before I moved; I took my Christian friends for granted. I had my family but I was empty and God drew me back to him. I started writing in a journal again and drinking deeply of God's living water, his Bread of Life, his Word.

Everything did not change overnight and suddenly I had lots of new friends. I think for 4 of those years I was in the wilderness, still desiring friends and still lonely. But the difference was that I was no longer spiritually asleep. God woke me up and drew me to himself. At times I would have an oasis of friendship and I did keep in touch with my friend from my old city, which is about 100 miles away. I would call and email and see them all about twice a year...But that is not not the same as being in the same city. God has been building me back up. I would not trade what this all for anything...It has not been easy, but it has been good.

So what is next? I don't know. My couselor a couple weeks ago asked me a question out the blue when we were talking about what I would want God to do for me, if I could have anything and right away I said I want a group of guy friends. Then she said something that caught me by surprise, "So have you asked God?" And the truth was, no, I hadn't. I had talked to my sister, my wife and some distant friends about it but not really talked to God. She brought up Matthew 7, you know, the section that talks about "Ask and you shall receive, etc." I had not asked God for some friends. God is all about relationships. I just went and read that section now:
Matthew 7:7-12
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
I had remembered the part about the bread and stone, then fish and snake part, but I don't know, I guess I didn't apply this section of the Bible to me very much. I am going start praying this way more. Maybe it is because I didn't have very good father experiences growing up: either absentee in my real dad or abusive with step-fathers. I am now a father and I think I can see these verses in a whole new way. I want the best for my kids....And God wants the best for me and wants to "give good gifts," to me. Sometimes I don't ask....Sometimes it is hard to ask...

Why is hard for me to ask God for things? Is it pride or self sufficiency? Is it because I'm not sure I'm worth it? I'm not sure why I don't generally ask for things like this from God that I really want.

I do know that I'm going to start asking my Father who likes to give good gifts

Freedom

I went to counseling and my couselor asked me, "What would Freedom look like for you?" I didn't really know. She said that Jesus came to bind up my wounds and proclaim freedom for me. She paraphrased Isaiah 61:1
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach goodnews to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
Jesus repeats this in the Gospels, here in Luke 4:18
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed...."

What would freedom look like for me? That is a really hard for me because I think there is a part of me that is legalistic and performance driven: "Did I journal enough, have I read enough?" and so on. I am really trying to let these ideas marinate with me. My counselor told me to meditate on one or two verse and really get them from head into my heart....she said to not do to many...That is hard for me to do...I am not one for moderation, and to coulple that with the ideas I am learning about desire in The Journey Of Desire, I just dove into freedom head first without checking the water.

I started looking up some verses on Freedom in my Bible's concordance and using the cross reference in my Bible and study notes. I came up with a good handful that I really love and I want to grab onto them and start letting them marinate and percolate within me.
Galatians 5:1
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
John 14:6
"I am the way and the truth and the life."
John 8:32, 36
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Psalm 119:32
I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

All of these verses are dripping with freedom and I want to dive in and swim in the Freedom that Jesus brings.

"What would freedom look like in all areas of my life?" I am not sure but I going before Jesus and asking him to show me.

I want to close with what I started with and put more of Isaiah 61 because I think there is so much great stuff in there. In the middle of Jesus wanting to provide freedom for me I know that what he does in me he wants me to do for others, he wants me to be his vessel, or put another way, he wants me to be Jesus with skin on.

Isaiah 61:1-6
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the LORD ,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

Update: I put these words into a website called Wordle and it made a really cool Word Collage:
Freedom

Oasis

At work today someone asked me how I was doing and all I could say was, "So So."

Sometimes that's all I can say to someone. I can't put on a happy face and don't want to really get into the details of why I feel the way I do. Heck, I didn't exactly know how I felt, just that it wasn't good. After this exchange I grabbed my lunch and walked out of work, across the street, and went and sat down under this oak tree in a small park that is a like a little oasis for me.

I started writing in my journal and then read some of a book I am slowing reading, The Sacred Romance by John Eldrigde. In the section I was reading it was talking about Lieutenant Dan in Forest Gump and how he struggled with God after losing his legs. We don't always need to lose our legs, or something that significant to struggle. It can be even harder when what we have lost is unseen. There are lost childhoods...lost families...lost innocence...to name a few. The book went on to talk about a section from Acts,

Acts 16:26-28

^"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.' " The author was talking about how God engineers our circumstances to draw us to Him. As I read those verses in Acts some other verse in Joel popped into my head.

Joel 2:12-13
"Even now," declares the LORD ,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity."

I felt God's love coming to me through these verses under this Oak tree while I was eating lunch. As I read through those verses more verses came to me.

Psalm 119:32
I run in the path of your commands,

For you have set my heart free.

And then John 8:32, 36

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

God wants me to know him intimately and he loves me. He wants to show his grace and compassion to me. Most of the time, I just need to slow down enough to spend some time with him. I need more times of rest under his Oak trees.