Soon it will be 6 years that I will have lived in the Northern California City that I live in. This has been a long time in the wilderness for me. I really desire deeper friendships and a sense of community and neither of those things are there for me....Part of me thinks if I just move back to my old city all would be well....I have some guys that live in that city that I have known many, many years....one I have know about 25 years.....I really long for a sense of belonging and community....I don't find that at church or work....I am probably deluding myself by thinking that things would be better in my old city where my friends and family still live....but 6 years is a long time.....
I see three possibilities:
1. I am in some sort of wilderness that God is trying to teach me something.
2. I suck at making friends
or 3. It is a hard phase in life to make friends....I am 38 years old, a family with 3 kids and I work all day long like everyone else in my peer group, so that does not leave much time for friends and community.
Where is the Acts 2 type of friendships and commuity that I long for? Maybe what I had was just something for college and now this is the best it is going to be? I just know that I am an extrovert that does not have that many friends where I live and I am frustrated by where I am. I know this is heightened by the fact that I am not as close to Jesus as I could be....Everything seems worse when I walk on my own through life's struggles.
Help me Jesus, Hold me Jesus.
Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Selah
I will wait, I will hope in what is not seen,
I will trust my Jesus
Jan 17, 2006
Dec 20, 2005
Occasional Blogging....Blogging Through the Busyness...
It's been almost 2 months since my last blog....I guess the hits to my blog must be pretty low :-)
Anyway, I have been too busy! Life has a way of doing that to you sometimes....or should I more accurately say, that I have a tendency to get too busy. Last week I had my 21st Christian Birthday and it made me pause and reflect on my life and assess where my past year. I usually assess my past year twice a year: at my birthday in late October and then again at New Years. I think I just had a mini reflection in October because I allowed myself to be so busy. So anyway, I am somewhat disappointed with how my year has been. I am looking back maybe a little further than a year, maybe to Sept/Oct 2004.
One could look back to the genesis of this blog and I see where I was and where I am now....I started this blog as a way to deal with my pain of the past. I was going to counseling, journaling a lot and reading some really good books. God was showing me a new view of Freedom and then I think somewhere along the way I put the on E-Brake. I think I was freaking out about where God might be taking me and scared about the pain I might experience....So I filled up my time; I got myself busy at work and outside of work....I filled my time with reading blogs, compiling a lot of different blogs in my Bloglines account and commenting on a lot of blogs. I was busy with work and I was busy with volunteer work at church and my daughter's soccer team. Even when I have had time and not been busy with meetings at lunch I have not made use of my lunch hour to read, pray, and journal as I used to so consistently. Instead I find that I so often fritter away my lunch time on email, surfing the web, etc.
I don't want to come to this same point in the year next year and have regrets about a lot of the year. Only by consciously planning small daily steps can we change ourselves & move towards the outcome we want. Daily discipline is one of the big keys as I am thinking about all this. It is much easier to be swept up in the momentum of daily busyness and the pressures of life than to slow down and deliberately examine your life and spend time with Jesus. As this year is coming to an end I want to be more deliberate in how I spend my time, and I want to have more contemplative time in prayer and reading the Bible. I think also, I have let the noise of life crowd out the peace of Jesus....It is so easy to fill up on noise, everything shouts so loud and the quiet voice of Jesus takes some slowing, some quiet space, to hear and follow. I let the fear of my past pain shut me down, paralyzing me into a frenzied busyness that numbed me like a drug. What I have really need is the soothing, healing touch of Jesus.
I really love the book of Jeremiah, there are so many verses in this book that are meaningful to me. Some are well known and often quoted, such as Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I read the whole book of Jeremiah over a weekend camping by myself back in May of 1989 when I was going through a very painful time. Perhaps that is why I keep coming back to Jeremiah. In it also, God again and again gives Israel a second chance. There are some verses in this book that I love: Jeremiah 31:25 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 2:13, not as encouraging, but what we all do again and again:
"My people have committed two sins; They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
How many cisterns, things, distractions, sins, have I, all of us, dug-tried to fashion-- that don't hold water, we turn from His Living water and try to replace it with stagnating, rotten, putrid water.
A more recent discovery is Jeremiah 33:6-8 "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their rebellion against me." This gives me hope. One last gem, Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah Trivia: It is the longest book of the Bible, not in chapters, but in total words. There are a bunch of other great passages in Jeremiah, which I will let you discover....I am already feeling encouraged from being reminded of passages that I have known and treasure. God's Word brings Freedom and Healing, I just need to make time and slow down to take it in, and I need to stop Hiding.
Anyway, I have been too busy! Life has a way of doing that to you sometimes....or should I more accurately say, that I have a tendency to get too busy. Last week I had my 21st Christian Birthday and it made me pause and reflect on my life and assess where my past year. I usually assess my past year twice a year: at my birthday in late October and then again at New Years. I think I just had a mini reflection in October because I allowed myself to be so busy. So anyway, I am somewhat disappointed with how my year has been. I am looking back maybe a little further than a year, maybe to Sept/Oct 2004.
One could look back to the genesis of this blog and I see where I was and where I am now....I started this blog as a way to deal with my pain of the past. I was going to counseling, journaling a lot and reading some really good books. God was showing me a new view of Freedom and then I think somewhere along the way I put the on E-Brake. I think I was freaking out about where God might be taking me and scared about the pain I might experience....So I filled up my time; I got myself busy at work and outside of work....I filled my time with reading blogs, compiling a lot of different blogs in my Bloglines account and commenting on a lot of blogs. I was busy with work and I was busy with volunteer work at church and my daughter's soccer team. Even when I have had time and not been busy with meetings at lunch I have not made use of my lunch hour to read, pray, and journal as I used to so consistently. Instead I find that I so often fritter away my lunch time on email, surfing the web, etc.
I don't want to come to this same point in the year next year and have regrets about a lot of the year. Only by consciously planning small daily steps can we change ourselves & move towards the outcome we want. Daily discipline is one of the big keys as I am thinking about all this. It is much easier to be swept up in the momentum of daily busyness and the pressures of life than to slow down and deliberately examine your life and spend time with Jesus. As this year is coming to an end I want to be more deliberate in how I spend my time, and I want to have more contemplative time in prayer and reading the Bible. I think also, I have let the noise of life crowd out the peace of Jesus....It is so easy to fill up on noise, everything shouts so loud and the quiet voice of Jesus takes some slowing, some quiet space, to hear and follow. I let the fear of my past pain shut me down, paralyzing me into a frenzied busyness that numbed me like a drug. What I have really need is the soothing, healing touch of Jesus.
I really love the book of Jeremiah, there are so many verses in this book that are meaningful to me. Some are well known and often quoted, such as Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I read the whole book of Jeremiah over a weekend camping by myself back in May of 1989 when I was going through a very painful time. Perhaps that is why I keep coming back to Jeremiah. In it also, God again and again gives Israel a second chance. There are some verses in this book that I love: Jeremiah 31:25 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 2:13, not as encouraging, but what we all do again and again:
"My people have committed two sins; They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
How many cisterns, things, distractions, sins, have I, all of us, dug-tried to fashion-- that don't hold water, we turn from His Living water and try to replace it with stagnating, rotten, putrid water.
A more recent discovery is Jeremiah 33:6-8 "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their rebellion against me." This gives me hope. One last gem, Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah Trivia: It is the longest book of the Bible, not in chapters, but in total words. There are a bunch of other great passages in Jeremiah, which I will let you discover....I am already feeling encouraged from being reminded of passages that I have known and treasure. God's Word brings Freedom and Healing, I just need to make time and slow down to take it in, and I need to stop Hiding.
Oct 27, 2005
Happy Birthday to Me!
It's my birthday today; I am 38. It was a very good day all in all....my kids and wife came to my work and took me to lunch at Chipotle, one of my favorite places to eat. We ate, I opened presents, and we had choclate cake. I always like birthdays and New Years....both are a good time to look back on the past year and reflect, get pensive, contemplate your naval. I also went to Starbucks 3 times today: early A.M. with a friend, mid-day after lunch, and tonight during my daughter's soccer practice....going to Starbucks is one of my favorite things to do.
I want to be pensive but mostly I feel tired......I want to ponder what God has in store for me during this next year, but like I said, I am so tired....weary actually. I will sign off my monthly blog entry with a few of my favorite passages from the Bible:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Selah
John 4:13-14
Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Hopefully I can embrace the spirit of these passages and trust Jesus in a deeper way during this next year, knowing that I so desparately need the grace of Jesus to permeate my life, my heart, & my soul.
I want to be pensive but mostly I feel tired......I want to ponder what God has in store for me during this next year, but like I said, I am so tired....weary actually. I will sign off my monthly blog entry with a few of my favorite passages from the Bible:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Selah
John 4:13-14
Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Hopefully I can embrace the spirit of these passages and trust Jesus in a deeper way during this next year, knowing that I so desparately need the grace of Jesus to permeate my life, my heart, & my soul.
Sep 12, 2005
Insanity
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." ~ Benjamin Franklin
I feel like this has been describing me to a tee lately. I have not been meeting with God very much, maybe once a week or less, and wondering why my I am so down and out, depressed. Everything seems to stress me out and I feel so burdened because I am not going to the ultimate source of Living Water, Jesus. A verse that has meant a lot to me for about 15 years or so is Jeremiah 2:13
"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me, the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water. "
I have been trying so much to make my own cisterns and the water is leaking out and Jesus wants to provide with his Living Water. The cisterns of busyness. The cisterns of blogs. The cisterns of work. The cisterns of kids sports. The cisterns of volunteering....
None of those quench my thirst or fills my needs. Jesus says in John 4 "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." A long time ago I heard a pastor preach on this and he said that form of drinks in the original language would be more accurately translated , "Drinks and keeps drinking..."
Insanity. My soul is cracked and dry and is needing refreshment from the Living Water of Jesus. I need him more than anything. For the one or two readers of this blog, we need him more than anything. But I find lately I am not going back to what I know works, time alone with Jesus praying to him, reading the Bible, but I opt for the lies and insanity of everything else that is calling out so urgently in this life, yelling in visual and auditory tones...the internet, talk radio, K-Love, more noise, but what I need is solitude with my Jesus.
My Jesus, Please help me,
Please Hold me.
Help me to drink deeply from your Living Waters,
that well up to eternal life today.
Carry me,
My Jesus...
I feel like this has been describing me to a tee lately. I have not been meeting with God very much, maybe once a week or less, and wondering why my I am so down and out, depressed. Everything seems to stress me out and I feel so burdened because I am not going to the ultimate source of Living Water, Jesus. A verse that has meant a lot to me for about 15 years or so is Jeremiah 2:13
"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me, the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water. "
I have been trying so much to make my own cisterns and the water is leaking out and Jesus wants to provide with his Living Water. The cisterns of busyness. The cisterns of blogs. The cisterns of work. The cisterns of kids sports. The cisterns of volunteering....
None of those quench my thirst or fills my needs. Jesus says in John 4 "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." A long time ago I heard a pastor preach on this and he said that form of drinks in the original language would be more accurately translated , "Drinks and keeps drinking..."
Insanity. My soul is cracked and dry and is needing refreshment from the Living Water of Jesus. I need him more than anything. For the one or two readers of this blog, we need him more than anything. But I find lately I am not going back to what I know works, time alone with Jesus praying to him, reading the Bible, but I opt for the lies and insanity of everything else that is calling out so urgently in this life, yelling in visual and auditory tones...the internet, talk radio, K-Love, more noise, but what I need is solitude with my Jesus.
My Jesus, Please help me,
Please Hold me.
Help me to drink deeply from your Living Waters,
that well up to eternal life today.
Carry me,
My Jesus...
Aug 17, 2005
Blogging, Why Bother?
Why do I blog....I don't have much to say and not many are really reading what I do say....Why bother? I'm not really sure that blogging is useful to me? What I really desire blogging can't provide. I desire deep, in person relationships and blogging generally does not foster that for me. I think part of it is that I desire contact with others even in the form of online interactions....but also it can be addictive to read the blogs....and I think we all desire to connect with other people and online is just one method.
What makes one a blogger? Do you need to blog 1 or more times a day? Do I need to have the TTLB Ecosystem Animal posted on my blog to be considered a true blogger? I guess according them I am a Crawly Amphibian . To be a real blogger do I need a Technorati button and a Blogdom of God button? Do I need to give everyone a survey of what's going on around the blogosphere to be a real blogger? I guess I am feeling somewhat cynical about it all and feel the time I put into reading blogs is having diminishing returns and the act of blogging doesn't really bring about true community. People may argue with me on the last point, and I'm sure it is a sort of community, but I think it is more of a pseudo-community. It looks real, and at times feels real, but as of yet no one has hugged me through my computer screen. I know some people have a Skype button and I could call them with it, but I'm not going to call a stranger. Another thing I have been wondering is about is annonymous blogging, why do I do it and what do others think about it?
But the most important question I have to ask:
What if I spend more time reading blogs about what others say about Jesus than I actually do in spending time studying what the Bible says about Jesus?
What makes one a blogger? Do you need to blog 1 or more times a day? Do I need to have the TTLB Ecosystem Animal posted on my blog to be considered a true blogger? I guess according them I am a Crawly Amphibian . To be a real blogger do I need a Technorati button and a Blogdom of God button? Do I need to give everyone a survey of what's going on around the blogosphere to be a real blogger? I guess I am feeling somewhat cynical about it all and feel the time I put into reading blogs is having diminishing returns and the act of blogging doesn't really bring about true community. People may argue with me on the last point, and I'm sure it is a sort of community, but I think it is more of a pseudo-community. It looks real, and at times feels real, but as of yet no one has hugged me through my computer screen. I know some people have a Skype button and I could call them with it, but I'm not going to call a stranger. Another thing I have been wondering is about is annonymous blogging, why do I do it and what do others think about it?
But the most important question I have to ask:
What if I spend more time reading blogs about what others say about Jesus than I actually do in spending time studying what the Bible says about Jesus?
Jul 25, 2005
Family Dinners
My wife and I were watching TV the other night and a silly ad for TV trays came on...This spurred us to start talking about family dinners. Anyway, as we were talking I realized I really don't have many memories of family dinners. I can remember being a kid at relatives for dinners, but not my own family.....My wife was asking what our dinner table looked like and I couldn't remember. I could not remember one dinner around the table with my sister, mom and her different boyfriends or husbands...at first I just thought that I had a memory block but then I remembered that I ate meals at either Togo's or my friend's house. I had a place at my friends table that was mine. I confirmed all this with my sister....I don't know why this surprises me, but I feel broken again.
I can't make the brokenness go away by myself....I can't fix myself. I want to either pretend I am OK and that my childhood pain doesn't affect me or I numb myself with the "noise" of information from all the blogs I read....I was both sad and angry that my mother cared more about her needs and staying over at her boyfriend's house than what was going on with my sister and me. Sure we had a roof over our head....but kids need more than that. It was almost like my sister and I were raising ourselves and we weren't even on her list.
Only Jesus can heal my brokenness. He needs set me free. It brings me back to a post I wrote back in September, about Freedom, that I brought up a set of verses that God keeps bringing back to me:
Isaiah 61:1
" He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
I was writing in my journal today and looking through my Bible and was led to this verse Jeremiah after reading Isaiah 61:
Jeremiah 30:17
"But I will restore you to health
and will heal your wounds"
I need Jesus to hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, then rebuild me. It seems to be a process of 3 steps forward 2 steps back where there are cycles of feeling strong and then feeling weak. I feel very weak right now.
I will close with a verse that has been one of my favorites and it is kind of ironic that it is just a little past Isaiah 61:1 and it is what Jesus is doing with me, although sometimes I am tired of feeling broken, but He has his hand on me now, and was protecting me during chlidhood days growing up, even before I knew him, he knew me and had a plan for me:
Isaiah 61:3
They will be called Oaks of Righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for display of his splendor.
Jesus is building me into his Oak of Righteousness, but Oaks take a long time to grow.
I can't make the brokenness go away by myself....I can't fix myself. I want to either pretend I am OK and that my childhood pain doesn't affect me or I numb myself with the "noise" of information from all the blogs I read....I was both sad and angry that my mother cared more about her needs and staying over at her boyfriend's house than what was going on with my sister and me. Sure we had a roof over our head....but kids need more than that. It was almost like my sister and I were raising ourselves and we weren't even on her list.
Only Jesus can heal my brokenness. He needs set me free. It brings me back to a post I wrote back in September, about Freedom, that I brought up a set of verses that God keeps bringing back to me:
Isaiah 61:1
" He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
I was writing in my journal today and looking through my Bible and was led to this verse Jeremiah after reading Isaiah 61:
Jeremiah 30:17
"But I will restore you to health
and will heal your wounds"
I need Jesus to hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, then rebuild me. It seems to be a process of 3 steps forward 2 steps back where there are cycles of feeling strong and then feeling weak. I feel very weak right now.
I will close with a verse that has been one of my favorites and it is kind of ironic that it is just a little past Isaiah 61:1 and it is what Jesus is doing with me, although sometimes I am tired of feeling broken, but He has his hand on me now, and was protecting me during chlidhood days growing up, even before I knew him, he knew me and had a plan for me:
Isaiah 61:3
They will be called Oaks of Righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for display of his splendor.
Jesus is building me into his Oak of Righteousness, but Oaks take a long time to grow.
Jun 29, 2005
Blown Away!
I was visiting family this past weekend for my sister's baby shower. As I was saying goodbyes to everyone I went to say goodbye to my step-dad and went to give him a hug and he said to me, "I love you, son. We've been through a lot together." I was completely caught off guard! My dad died when I was twenty....that was 17 years ago and I don't think anyone has called me "son" since then. I have really been thinking about this a lot and it is 4 days later....it really touched me, or should I say it blew me away.
Without minimizing my step-dad's feelings I also feeling like God was speaking to me through him.
Without minimizing my step-dad's feelings I also feeling like God was speaking to me through him.
Jun 22, 2005
Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places
I am reading an incredible book by Eugene Peterson, Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. There is a lot in here that I want to-need to-write about as I mull over what I have read. What Peterson writes really opens my eyes to more fully living out my life with Jesus....I will post in more detail on my reading soon....
Jun 17, 2005
My Theological worldview...according to Quiz Farm
 | You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.
What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com |
Jun 7, 2005
I need Jesus....
Over a month has past since I last wrote...During that time I went on mega-vacation for 17 days with my family to the East Coast. I had hoped that I would spend a lot of time writing in my journal at night and reading this great book I bought before I left, Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places...But I didn't...I wrote in my journal 3 times, including one entry on the plane ride home & read about 3 or 4 pages of my book. I did spend a lot of time with my kids and wife building some great memories, visiting a lot of great places and visiting relatives & friends. It was a Great vacation!
But I come back a little disappointed in myself that I didn't make more time to dwell with Jesus. Here I am back in the daily routine, 2 days back, and I have read more of my book than my whole trip and I have come away with the clear realization that I need Jesus. I am lost without him. Why is it so easy to let the busyness of life press out Jesus? Several times on vacation I had some down time that I could have used to seek him but instead I chose the Internet over time with Jesus. Jesus does not force me to come to him; he will let me waste as much time as I choose to waste. When the quiet moments come I feel the loneliness and I know how desperately I need Jesus to keep saving me and bringing me freedom...
But I come back a little disappointed in myself that I didn't make more time to dwell with Jesus. Here I am back in the daily routine, 2 days back, and I have read more of my book than my whole trip and I have come away with the clear realization that I need Jesus. I am lost without him. Why is it so easy to let the busyness of life press out Jesus? Several times on vacation I had some down time that I could have used to seek him but instead I chose the Internet over time with Jesus. Jesus does not force me to come to him; he will let me waste as much time as I choose to waste. When the quiet moments come I feel the loneliness and I know how desperately I need Jesus to keep saving me and bringing me freedom...
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