Coming Back to It again.....Brokenness

I always want to pretend I'm OK. I'm not.

At times I can be so sad and at other times I can be so angry. Sometimes I do not get along very well with my middle son, but at times it is more me than him, if I am being honest with myself. I would like to get away from this blog's name but I keep coming back around to the brokenness within me. I can't fix myself no matter how hard I try. I need your help, Jesus. I guess this like my journal at times, when I can't bring myself to open my paper journal. Maybe it is the fact that at times, people do respond back and that does not happen with my paper journal.

I long for deeper friendships, and friends that actually live in the city I am in, not 100 miles away in my old city. It is hard to make friends as everyone at this station in life is so busy with their own families. I long for community that I just don't have now. I long for one or more buddies that I can do something with on the spur of the moment and just hang out. I reach out to many of my friends that are far away, but that is not really happening much. The distance is great enough that "Out of sight, out of mind" comes into play. Or at least that is how it feels where I am sitting. 8 years just past at the beginning of this month that I have been gone from my home town. I sometimes think it would be great to move back to my old city, but I am not sure if it would or not. I have friends there that I have had there since high school, and now I am 40 years old. My sister is in that city. My parents are in that city. I have said on multiple occasions that if I died I would not want to be buried in this city, but my old city. But, my family is in this city. My kids have spent most of their lives in this city, one was born here. Why has it been so hard here. I feel like I have been in the wilderness up here and I don't know why...I don't know if I just suck at making friends or what. But also, know matter where you go, there you are....I will bring myself with me if I go back to my home city.

I also know that I'm not turning to Jesus to meet my needs very much at all. I don't know, maybe I am depressed as well and that can cloud how you feel about things. Jesus, help me in all areas of my life. I am so weary from all the busyness of work, home and life in general. There is a lot of noise that fills up my brain, a lot of distractions that keep from drawing closer to Jesus. Oh boy, life just feels hard right now. I want a break form things....I guess I am having a little break right now....I was going to go to Costco with my wife and son and then I was having a little bit of melt down over a sandwich I was making. My wife gave me a pass on Costco. So I do have a little break. As I am writing this I do feel somewhat better. I'm not handling stress in my life that well in recent days. It all can be overwhelming at times. I am weary, I am tired, but I am not as stressed as I was 30 minutes ago.

I am broken
I need more of Jesus.
I want more friends nearby.
Things aren't as bad as they seem,
life can be difficult, but
it is good to have a break once in a while.
Thank you Jesus.
Fill my brokenness.
Be my friend, Jesus.
Fix me, because I can't fix myself