Broken still, after all these years

I was reading through some old blog entries on this blog and there still is a theme running through my life: Brokenness, lack of friends. I have been depressed lately. I take an herbal supplement called St. John's Wort, but it is not really helping that much. A long time ago I used to be on Prozac but did not like the way it made me feel, so I switched to St. John's Wort....that's just some of what is going on. There has been a lot of stress in my life with both work and my son, who has bipolar disorder, and some financial stress. But a big thing in my life as been my distance from God. I've been hiding in anything I can: work, Facebook, busyness. I'm hurting and want to move on but I am still very broken.

When it was time to set up the outside Christmas lights I really didn't want to do it. My wife pointed out that I never want to do it and just asked is there some reason I don't like to do it. Immediately I remembered an incident with this horrible step father named Tommy. Tommy was a drinker and abusive to my mom when I was in 9th and 10th grade. Something happened while he was drunk and I was angry and I came upstairs from our garage with a baseball bat trying to go after Tommy with it. Suddenly as I came after him with it he grabbed it and I still had it then before you knew it, my sister, my mom,Tommy and me all had our hands on the bat and everyone was screaming and we were on the ground struggling with the bat.

All of this flashed through my head in an instant when my wife asked me if there was some reason I didn't like putting up the Christmas lights. I had to go into the house and I just laid down on the bed for 10 minutes or so pondering the brokenness that had bubbled up from the past, from over 25 years ago, when my wife asked a simple question.

I have had a growing dislike, almost hatred of Christmas time over the past several years. I want to attribute it to the commercialization of Christmas, but after the Christmas Lights and the memories it triggered I would have to say it is more, it is deeper than that.

I read through my other blog entries from 2004 and 2005 and I regularly wanted to grow in my relationship with Jesus and was writing in my journal and reading my Bible. I just haven't been that way. I think I hardened over and have been numb, on auto-pilot. I don't want it to be this way. I need the Living water of Jesus to help me. He didn't not come for the healthy but the sick. I feel sick, I feel broken and I need the healing touch of Jesus to help me. I may also need to speak to a counselor and may need prescription medication and not just St. John's Wort.

I look back to a poem that I wrote on April of 2005 and need to hang onto Jesus:

Resting Place

I write out the dark night of my soul
Jesus, only in you am I truly whole.
Fenced in and pinned down,
I only want to fight the pain
That wants to consume me.
Free me from the prison I’m in,
Give me your freedom.
Make my yoke easy
Make my burden light.
For I am so weary,
So very wear.
I need you.
Free me

Here’s my heart,
My heavy, heavy heart
I cast my cares on you, Jesus.
Transcend may anxiousness with peace
That exceeds all my understandings.
Release me from captivity
Into your freedom.
Brake the chains that bind
Satisfy me for I am so faint.
Please restore my soul,
Help me only find rest in you.
Fortify me,
Cover me in your wings
Protect me from the arrows
That fly by day.
Help me sing for joy.
Be my Resting place.

Written April 19, 2005

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Psalm 62:5-6
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Isaiah 61:1-6

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD's Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

Psalm 91:4-5
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,