Feeling Better

I think I have been feeling somewhat better these days. I have been writing more poems and I don't feel depressed as I did before. Also, I'm wondering if the weather has a little bit to do with it as it has been warmer and sunnier. I'm also about to go on vacation and my wife and I are going on a 4 night cruise. So something like that would tend to lift anyone's spirits a bit. Whatever the reason, I feel somewhat better.

Here is a poem I wrote earlier in the week that is lighter in content, for the most part, but was something I had fun writing:

Stream of Consciousness

The words are in my head
And want to come out.
Where will they be,
Should I hurry or scurry,
Where, o Where will I go.
This way or that,
My fingers don’t know where the paper flows.
It keeps going
the page might
End and Then
Where will the letters
Fall?
Go, Go the stream of consciousness
Knows not where it goes,
Poem to prose,
How does one know.
Faster
Faster
Faster,
I type and I’m tight,
But I want to be light
On my fingers,
But they are so often
Stuck in pockets,
But the sockets of my eyes
Can be so dry that I can’t
See what I would write.
Shall it light or heavy,
I think I will buy a Chevy,
Take it to the Levy,
But you know about the levy and Chevy,
Well they’re not wet.
This can be fun to run
Seeing where the writing will take me.
Will I go back to correct
Back to correct,
Or leave as is,
And was.
I don’t know where I’ll go.
But the words want to flow.
The streams in the dessert.
The words are down in there
And they want to bust out.
Oh, now a trout,
That could bust and out
A trout that could swim
Upstream
Like a dream
Ripped at the seam
Dashed on the rocks
Its no Goldilocks.
But like hard liquor
It goes down and it’s bitter,
The burn and the bile
It will take a while,
For the words to work
Themselves out of my brain,
Like a train on the track,
They’re not coming back.
Quick think,
I’m on the brink,
Hillary threw the kitchen sink,
She’s playing hardball.
She wants politics to be her playground,
Is she the bully or
Just working the angles or
Working us over,
Trying to pulling over,
Trying to change her tune,
Just whistling Dixie,
She’s no trixie.
What do I prattle on
About the rattle
And the battle’s on.
The election,
Most important ever,
Or so they say,
But we’ll live another day,
Another scandal,
Another broken promise,
Empty words,
More complicated scenarios,
Briefed at 3 in the morning,
While Saturday night live re-runs
drone on in the background,
The president laughs,
As Chris Matthew has more interviews
And there are more briefings,
That we never know about,
until we’re in another one that we
Can’t get out of,
Exercise in democracy and
Nation building,
Suddenly from light hearted,
The tone changes to heavy.
I was just practicing,
Poem-ing.
But that’s the funny thing,
You never know how
You get from A to Z.

March 17, 2008

Coming Back to It again.....Brokenness

I always want to pretend I'm OK. I'm not.

At times I can be so sad and at other times I can be so angry. Sometimes I do not get along very well with my middle son, but at times it is more me than him, if I am being honest with myself. I would like to get away from this blog's name but I keep coming back around to the brokenness within me. I can't fix myself no matter how hard I try. I need your help, Jesus. I guess this like my journal at times, when I can't bring myself to open my paper journal. Maybe it is the fact that at times, people do respond back and that does not happen with my paper journal.

I long for deeper friendships, and friends that actually live in the city I am in, not 100 miles away in my old city. It is hard to make friends as everyone at this station in life is so busy with their own families. I long for community that I just don't have now. I long for one or more buddies that I can do something with on the spur of the moment and just hang out. I reach out to many of my friends that are far away, but that is not really happening much. The distance is great enough that "Out of sight, out of mind" comes into play. Or at least that is how it feels where I am sitting. 8 years just past at the beginning of this month that I have been gone from my home town. I sometimes think it would be great to move back to my old city, but I am not sure if it would or not. I have friends there that I have had there since high school, and now I am 40 years old. My sister is in that city. My parents are in that city. I have said on multiple occasions that if I died I would not want to be buried in this city, but my old city. But, my family is in this city. My kids have spent most of their lives in this city, one was born here. Why has it been so hard here. I feel like I have been in the wilderness up here and I don't know why...I don't know if I just suck at making friends or what. But also, know matter where you go, there you are....I will bring myself with me if I go back to my home city.

I also know that I'm not turning to Jesus to meet my needs very much at all. I don't know, maybe I am depressed as well and that can cloud how you feel about things. Jesus, help me in all areas of my life. I am so weary from all the busyness of work, home and life in general. There is a lot of noise that fills up my brain, a lot of distractions that keep from drawing closer to Jesus. Oh boy, life just feels hard right now. I want a break form things....I guess I am having a little break right now....I was going to go to Costco with my wife and son and then I was having a little bit of melt down over a sandwich I was making. My wife gave me a pass on Costco. So I do have a little break. As I am writing this I do feel somewhat better. I'm not handling stress in my life that well in recent days. It all can be overwhelming at times. I am weary, I am tired, but I am not as stressed as I was 30 minutes ago.

I am broken
I need more of Jesus.
I want more friends nearby.
Things aren't as bad as they seem,
life can be difficult, but
it is good to have a break once in a while.
Thank you Jesus.
Fill my brokenness.
Be my friend, Jesus.
Fix me, because I can't fix myself

Thinking a lot lately

I have been thinking about creativity a lot lately and wanting to write more. Maybe needing to write more. I wrote a silly poem today that was fun about coffee and the, on then sly I posted it in the coffee room. Here it is:

Coffee Room Etiquette

I see the pot,
and it’s not a lot.
Do I take and make,
or just take.

To arrive at the pot
and it’s dark goo.
What’s one to do?
Someone took
and did not look
back.

My cup will kill it,
will I refill it?
Take and not make.
Mostly I make,
so I can freely take.
No guilty conscience here.

Addiction, not me…Oh Nooo!
Who didn’t make the coffee,
left the quarter inch burn?!?!?!?

The worst in want,
is not an empty pot,
but when overflowed,
the culprit did go,
knowing someone
will clean
their mess.

Do I take and not make?

Hopefully there will be more such writings. I have been so stressed out about most things in life. I need to have more fun than I have been having because life has been just plain hard. I think I make it harder than it is, really. I am often grumpy with my family when I could be writing little ditties about coffee and other silly things. I really need to lighten up more and relax, let down my hair. I think I am often too serious and need more levity, so I can have longevity. So many things in the news are depressing: Elliot Spitzer, the credit crisis, global warming, Iraq, mudslinging politics, gas prices, and the endless reports of vicious crimes.

I just really need to lighten up and have more fun and let my hair down a little. There are enough depressing things going on in the world without my adding to it.

From Brokenness to Splendor

You think all is behind you,
Painful past, wounds suffered ages ago.
But the pain bubbles up from beneath,
Oozing into the present from cracks
That lead down to caverns of pain.

40 years old and the pain brings me back,
back to a childhood of brokenness.
The pain affects the type of parent I am,
The kind of man I am.
The anvil of pain pounded me and shaped me.
It keeps coming back
To me again and again.
When I least expect it,
It resurfaces.

Jesus heal me with your healing balm.
Bandage up my brokenness, fill up
The caverns of pain, bind up my wounds,
Free me from the captivity pain has bound me in,
Release me from the darkness in the caverns.
Bring me into your light,
Restore the ruins within me,
Rebuild the cities where my pain lives.
Bind up my broken heart.

Grow me into your oak of righteousness,
A display of your splendor.
Robe me in your garments of salvation,
With your jewels upon my head.

Ideas from Isaiah 61

Written January 24, 2008

Malise

I spoke to a long time friend this morning and we were talking about life and how it can be hard sometimes....I turned 40 in October and he's 42. Sometimes it is hard to determine when you tired, worn out, weary, or actually depressed. We live in a country that was founded on "Pulling your self up by the boot straps," so it can be hard to admit weakness, vulnerability. Do you go to a doctor and get checked out if you think you're depressed? Or do you just slough it off and try to ignore it, get a cup of coffee and move on with things.

I want things to be different for me. I have not written much lately. I have not played my guitar in ages. I have been immersed in technology and the Internet these days. I have been running on a hamster wheel each day have not gotten off long enough to take a look around....until lately.

I hope to write here more often, if nothing else, for myself, but if it encourages someone out there that would be great too.

Hiding, Again

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 23:24

The answer to this question is no. But I think for almost 3 years I have been trying to hide from myself, my pain, and God. To back track a little, I was in counseling in the Fall of 2004 and it seemed very fruitful and productive. But then freaked from the pain it was exposing in my life and I stopped counseling the end of 2004. I think the past 2 and 1/2 years have been a slow hardening and withdrawing, hardening of myself. I have been hiding from the pain, and hiding from myself and running from God. I am scared thinking of the pain.

What brought this up and all is reading a post over at The Thinklings, Praying for Death. In the post Jared talks about the idea of praying for someone that's wicked to die. That brought me back to a horrible step father I had, Tommy. I have wished and prayed that Tommy was dead. Just thinking of him was like ripping the scab off a wound and the pain is there, still needing to be dealt with.

So now I have a choice: Face the pain and go to God with it or push it back down and move on. That second choice is easier in the short run, but not a very good idea. It just leads to broken cisterns being built. I have come to place before. It seems I keep revisiting this verse:

Jeremiah 2:13
"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water.

I want to be seeking the living waters of Jesus instead of digging my own cisterns that can not hold water.

I need the Strength of Jesus, the Grace of Jesus, the Love of Jesus to face my pain.

Beckham moves to Galaxy!

It is funny how a person can change. 5 years ago I would never even care one bit about soccer. That was before my daughter played and fell in love with soccer. Today she plays under 10 competitive soccer, soon to try out for U-11. So I was reading MyYahoo page this moring and when I saw the headline, Beckham will play for MLS' L.A. Galaxy, I called my wife and told her. Then I left a message with my sister, also a soccer fan. Not that long ago I remember listening to the Jim Rome Show and him talking about "Soccer Freaks" and agreeing with him. Here I am several years later on the sidelines of a soccer field cheering my daughter on and in a household that Tivo'd almost every single game of the World Cup. Something my daughter loves, has brought us to love something.

It is funny how you can often end up a location that you never intended on travelling toward. That brings me to my Jouney with God and I'm wondering what destination does he have me travelling toward. Sometimes it is hard to see where God has me on my journey because so often I get bogged down in the busyness of work and daily life that I forget to look up. I feel so saddled down with stress that I make no time for contemplation and reflextion. If I can just steal some time away, slow down and meet with him more regulary, all in life would be better.
I have plenty of time to notice soccer headlines regarding Beckham, but so often neglect what God wants me to discover.

What will be the next surprsining "Beckams" that are in my life. Will I be looking or for what God wants me to see or just distracted with the busyness and clutter? What does Jesus want me to focus on, or love, that I am missing?

New Year Wishes

I want to have a long list of new goals for the new year, but I don't. I want to say I am walking so close to Jesus, but I am not. I wish I could say I have a plan for the new year, but I can't.

I am just plain tired, weary and dry. I just need to cling to Jesus and his words: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28-30

I feel beaten down and exhausted and I need to rest and refreshed by Jesus.

Can anyone else relate?

Where Am I now?

I was wondering through Borders tonight, looking at Christian books. I picked up the Message:Remix by Eugene Peterson and read through. the introduction and just longed and thirsted for the kind of relationship with Jesus, God's Living Word, that Peterson describes. My family was at Church at AWANA and I was alone. Lonely. I long for closeness with Jesus instead of busyness and exhaustion.

My soul feels dry and crusty and I need Jesus. I've let work crowd him out. I feel distant. I feel tired. I feel alone. I feel empty. I need Jesus, oh, I need Jesus.

It is the Christmas season, and I feel like the Grinch. I need to sit at Jesus' feet like Mary, instead of running around drained and sapped of all peace

Seeing Jesus as All We Need

How do I do this? I try to put my hope in a lot of different things: Work, People, Sports, blogs. It always comes up empty. I am reading a book called "We Would See Jesus" by Roy and Revel Hession. It really seems like God has led me to this book after so many things I have read this year point to Jesus as fulfilling all that I need. Now maybe that sounds odd, but I think it is easy to live what seems like the Christian life, without really trusting Jesus very much at all. There are versus such as John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." that I heard so many times but I didn't really get it, at least not fully. I have been learning more this year about Jesus than I had really known before. You can read the Bible and not see that Jesus is all through out it from the beginning. I had known the verses in Colossians that talk about how everything is tied together in Jesus, buit it was all head knowledge that I didn't fully understand:
Colossians 1:15-20
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

During this past year or so I have read a lot from the Internet Monk about Jesus and his words really resonated with me in explaining Jesus in a more real way. Tw0 essays that really were meaningful and enlightening to me were "Is Jesus Truly the Point" and another called "A Conversation in God's Kitchen." I have also read Blue Like Jazz and am still reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller that have built on this theme of Jesus, particulary in moving away from formulas and more toward relationship with Jesus.

But getting back to We Would See Jesus, is the idea that Jesus can fulfill all of our needs, He is our salvation, Jesus is our I Am, he will be whatever we need. Now I don't mean wants turned into needs, such as needing the latest new car, technology gadget, etc. I mean deeper needs such as acceptance, love, friendship, forgiveness, and grace.

Maybe I have had my head in the sand or something, but I want to know Jesus more and want to look to him for all my needs. It is so easy to to get caught up in the noise of daily life and let the urgency of so many things crowd out Jesus. I pray I will See Jesus.