NaPoWriMo #1: The Box

My dad was with us for a long time,
long after he was gone.
I had his ashes in the box,
the box they gave me at the funeral home.

The box was in my closet,
at more than one house.
It wasn’t fancy, but a hard brown plastic box.
My friends and I would joke about it,
I had “Bud in a box”
We had a lot of good laughs about it.

Being the oldest, responsibility fell to me.
I didn’t know what to do with it;
we often don’t know what to do with death.
Death’s uncomfortable,
sometimes unspeakable.
Laughter’s easier.

When I married,
Bud made his way to the trunk,
to the trunk of my VW bug,
and there he stayed for a year or more.
My dad rode around with me,
in with the spare tire and gas can,
wherever I went.
My mom said he would have found this hilarious,
riding around in the trunk of a VW Bug.
I agreed.

I thought we should do something
better with my dad,
something better than a brown plastic box.
So I went with my sister and brother;
we drove to Half Moon Bay, to Dad’s favorite beach.
I said a prayer,
after looking around wondering if this was legal,
and poured his ashes into the waves.

It seems less funny today,
looking back through the years,
but I know my dad would laugh with us,
in hearing about his adventures,
riding around in my VW Bug.

April 1, 2009

Wanting to Write vs. Actually Writing

I've been thinking about writing poems a lot lately, but have not actually written anything.  I've listened to a lot of poetry on podcasts, but have not written anything.  Sometimes it takes a lot to sit down and clear the noise inside my head and around me and to just write.  I let the busyness of life push me around, to bully me around so I do what it wants to do and not what I want to do.  Why is that?  Why can't I just do it?  What's holding me back?  Is it fear?  I want to write, but I don't do it.  Usually when I sit down to write I can do it.  It's not like I'm sitting there in front of blank sheet and not being able to produce like most writer's block.  It is more of block of even sitting down to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. 

Jesus, help me to write and sit down and move past the imaginary wall that is stopping me from writing.  Help to just do it!

Heavy Hearted Tonight

Reading a Facebook status of someone got me thinking. It is hard to wait. Patience is hard. I feel a bit of heartache, my own and others. I fell like I am a character is this poem I wrote a while back:

For the Broken

Poet, touch every hand.

Drop down every weight.

Lift every burden.

On the lead-lined highway

brokenness calls out;

desperate cries,

subtle sighs,

and pleading groans pour forth.

At the foot of the mountain

I hear the strong, quiet voice of God whisper,

“You are mine; I am not finished with you.

Take heart and be courageous.”

I walk, my head held higher.

My steps are planted more firmly.

In desperate moments

people are hurting.

“Be my voice.

Be my light.

Be my hands.

Be my comfort.

Be my vessel of grace.

Give them my Living Water.”

Written May 25, 2004

I feel a sadness, a mourning. I need your help, Jesus.

Lamentations 3:22-26
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

I end this on a more hopeful note that all is not bleak, Jesus is for me.

Psalm 37:23-27
If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;

though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.

They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.

Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Update on Goals

So far the only goal I've committed to is journaling which I have done every day. I must say that it has been great to be writing in my journal again daily because when I examine my life, pray via journaling it leads to me reading my Bible more and just being more conscious, or intentional of what I'm doing. I've also played guitar twice since the new year started. That is something I want to do more regularly.

Intentional. I really want to be that way.

Health. I need to start working out on a regular basis. It is so hard to get started. I could get going by walking the dog. The first step is getting workout clothes to work.

For friendships, I need to spend less time online and actually do something face to face.

Well, I will revisit all this again soon.

2009: Goal Planning Continued

I'm still thinking about my goals. I'm pretty sure I'm going to journal everyday. I want to have a health goal, that can consist of both mental and physical components. I want to have a family goal and friends goal. I may want a creativity goal, I'm not sure. The areas are:

• Spiritual
• Health
• People (Family and Friends)
• Work
• Creativity

This is sort of the order they will be in, but I think Health and People are on about the same level.
Creativity will have to be last and work, well that is in the mix pretty well because I am there about 9 or 10 hours a day.

I want this year to be more intentional than last year. I feel like I was being blown to and fro last year and at the mercy of everything in my life, and that led to feeling powerless. Now, I realize there will be many things that will be out of my control, but the things that are in my control, I want to be more intentional. I don't think I can plan out every aspect of my life, I just want to have things to shoot for.

I would like to maybe come up with a verse for the year that I can focus on, but that may take a little time. Maybe I can tie creativity into all of the goals, like a thread weaving through them, thinking of creativity more broadly that just writing.

I know that I can sometimes make some grand plans and not a lot comes from them. I think that it is better to have plans than not planning anything at all, and nothing will sure come about from no plans.

I'm not sure if I will journal on paper or online. Maybe it should be in a paper journal because there are less distractions. Maybe I will track my goals via this blog and journal in my paper journal. I wonder if I should get a new journal....that is probably not necessary....we'll see.

I think this is a really good start.

Update: Possible verses: Jeremiah 29:11-14 and/or Jeremiah 31:31-34, Isaiah 61

2009 Goals: Pre-Goal Thoughts

I need some goals this year. "Increase your chances of success by choosing “process goals” such as walking 30 minutes daily over “outcome goals” such as losing 50 pounds or dropping two sizes. Write your goals down. Research shows that writing down goals increases their effectiveness."
So, I need to write down my goals, and they should be process goals instead of outcome goals.

From my previous post, here are some areas I should include: Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Family, Friends and Work should be touched on in my goals.

Fitness: I have the workout center at work and my co-worker is looking in that direction so we can plan to take classes that are not at the same time, and cover for one another when something comes up for work. There is one that meets on Wednesdays at 12 called the Boot Camp: "An all-levels training class featuring strength exercises and interval cardio drills that will whip you into shape." That could cover one day. Now I need to decide how many other days and what and when. There are some good online resources through work that I can get ideas from for this goal.

Spiritual: I have started going to BSF and will continue. I can incorporate the homework into my times with God. I would like to also Journal more. Do I commit to Journaling everyday, no matter what? When I am journaling good things happen for me spiritually....This definately a possibility.

Emotional/Mental Health: I will have to give that some thought. Maybe talking to a counselor through my work's EAP program. There are some good online resources through work that I can get ideas from for this goal.

Family: This needs some attention. We need my middle son to be more stable than he has been and that will help things...but I think we need more than this....this needs more thought, and also some talking over with my wife.

Friends: Well that is something I want more of, close friends locally. Maybe the BSF group will help. I also have to be intentional in this area. I need to pray for this as well. I have a deficit in this area and it will need more brainstorming.

Work: I have some goals from my recent review:
1. Continue your develop with the PBX software and grow in regards to BSR/LAI applications and overall ACD routing on the Avaya. You went to training in April at Avaya for ACD. You will need to own and complete a full routing project for call center. Q309
2. Provide trunking calculations on an ongoing basis for all global call center locations. Look to improve existing format and input drivers. Continue to work with forecasting team to efficiently deliver capacity plans for the PBXs. Q109 - Ongoing
3. Quarterly visits to HQ to review current architecture and routing design projects with HQ staff. Ongoing
4. Establish yourself as the lead engineer in at your location by working all issues with your business partners, your peers, directing techs and projects for the site. Q209

I will have to schedule things for these work goals and make it so they are measurable so I can track my progress.

Well, these seems like a really good start. A lot less daunting than I thought it would be. If feels good to get something in writing.

Here's to a great 2009! Carpe Diem!

2009 is coming

2008 is about to come to a close in less than 2 days. What will 2009 have in store for me? What kind of goals will have for the year? I have been pensive the past several days thinking about things. I want to have some goals. I hope to have some goals: Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Family, Friends and Work should be touched on in my goals. It feels a little daunting thinking about goals. I don't think I had any goals last year. I would like this year to be different. I will ponder over the next couple days to week or so.

Really, I feel pretty worn out and beaten down by life. I'm down and discouraged about some things. I think I'm probably still depressed. A goal should also be to take care of my mental health.

I will ponder on my life and what I want to do for goals.
I like this section of the Bible as I ponder my goals:

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD's Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

Also,

Jeremiah 29:11-14

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. ^[a]

I want some new beginnings, new growth, and new perspective for 2009.

Broken still, after all these years

I was reading through some old blog entries on this blog and there still is a theme running through my life: Brokenness, lack of friends. I have been depressed lately. I take an herbal supplement called St. John's Wort, but it is not really helping that much. A long time ago I used to be on Prozac but did not like the way it made me feel, so I switched to St. John's Wort....that's just some of what is going on. There has been a lot of stress in my life with both work and my son, who has bipolar disorder, and some financial stress. But a big thing in my life as been my distance from God. I've been hiding in anything I can: work, Facebook, busyness. I'm hurting and want to move on but I am still very broken.

When it was time to set up the outside Christmas lights I really didn't want to do it. My wife pointed out that I never want to do it and just asked is there some reason I don't like to do it. Immediately I remembered an incident with this horrible step father named Tommy. Tommy was a drinker and abusive to my mom when I was in 9th and 10th grade. Something happened while he was drunk and I was angry and I came upstairs from our garage with a baseball bat trying to go after Tommy with it. Suddenly as I came after him with it he grabbed it and I still had it then before you knew it, my sister, my mom,Tommy and me all had our hands on the bat and everyone was screaming and we were on the ground struggling with the bat.

All of this flashed through my head in an instant when my wife asked me if there was some reason I didn't like putting up the Christmas lights. I had to go into the house and I just laid down on the bed for 10 minutes or so pondering the brokenness that had bubbled up from the past, from over 25 years ago, when my wife asked a simple question.

I have had a growing dislike, almost hatred of Christmas time over the past several years. I want to attribute it to the commercialization of Christmas, but after the Christmas Lights and the memories it triggered I would have to say it is more, it is deeper than that.

I read through my other blog entries from 2004 and 2005 and I regularly wanted to grow in my relationship with Jesus and was writing in my journal and reading my Bible. I just haven't been that way. I think I hardened over and have been numb, on auto-pilot. I don't want it to be this way. I need the Living water of Jesus to help me. He didn't not come for the healthy but the sick. I feel sick, I feel broken and I need the healing touch of Jesus to help me. I may also need to speak to a counselor and may need prescription medication and not just St. John's Wort.

I look back to a poem that I wrote on April of 2005 and need to hang onto Jesus:

Resting Place

I write out the dark night of my soul
Jesus, only in you am I truly whole.
Fenced in and pinned down,
I only want to fight the pain
That wants to consume me.
Free me from the prison I’m in,
Give me your freedom.
Make my yoke easy
Make my burden light.
For I am so weary,
So very wear.
I need you.
Free me

Here’s my heart,
My heavy, heavy heart
I cast my cares on you, Jesus.
Transcend may anxiousness with peace
That exceeds all my understandings.
Release me from captivity
Into your freedom.
Brake the chains that bind
Satisfy me for I am so faint.
Please restore my soul,
Help me only find rest in you.
Fortify me,
Cover me in your wings
Protect me from the arrows
That fly by day.
Help me sing for joy.
Be my Resting place.

Written April 19, 2005

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Psalm 62:5-6
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Isaiah 61:1-6

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD's Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

Psalm 91:4-5
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Bittersweet

Seeing what I had,
makes me realized what
I don’t have
Friendships far away,
not many
nearby.

Almost 9 years

in the wasteland,
where loneliness
has been my companion.
Makes me wonder if it’s
more than busyness,
more than station in life,
more than unlucky breaks,
and would-have-could-have-beens.

But I can’t go there.

I won’t go there.

Friendships are waiting

out there,
somewhere for me.
I won’t be a victim,
I’ll be proactive.
Join a group,
meet for coffee,
go to a poker party.

The taste of Facebook friendships
from the past,
makes it bittersweet.
People who have known me,
on my “Friends” list.
I’m up to 158,

yet I’m still yearning.

Yearning for the friend down the road,
a short walk or drive away,
instead of
a million miles away

at the end a computer click.

Bittersweet,
Friendships on Facebook,
remind me of what I had,
back there,

before I moved away.

December 20, 2008

Wordle of a Post

I found a cool thing and I made one of my posts into a collage:
Still_Broken...