Where Am I now?

I was wondering through Borders tonight, looking at Christian books. I picked up the Message:Remix by Eugene Peterson and read through. the introduction and just longed and thirsted for the kind of relationship with Jesus, God's Living Word, that Peterson describes. My family was at Church at AWANA and I was alone. Lonely. I long for closeness with Jesus instead of busyness and exhaustion.

My soul feels dry and crusty and I need Jesus. I've let work crowd him out. I feel distant. I feel tired. I feel alone. I feel empty. I need Jesus, oh, I need Jesus.

It is the Christmas season, and I feel like the Grinch. I need to sit at Jesus' feet like Mary, instead of running around drained and sapped of all peace

Seeing Jesus as All We Need

How do I do this? I try to put my hope in a lot of different things: Work, People, Sports, blogs. It always comes up empty. I am reading a book called "We Would See Jesus" by Roy and Revel Hession. It really seems like God has led me to this book after so many things I have read this year point to Jesus as fulfilling all that I need. Now maybe that sounds odd, but I think it is easy to live what seems like the Christian life, without really trusting Jesus very much at all. There are versus such as John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." that I heard so many times but I didn't really get it, at least not fully. I have been learning more this year about Jesus than I had really known before. You can read the Bible and not see that Jesus is all through out it from the beginning. I had known the verses in Colossians that talk about how everything is tied together in Jesus, buit it was all head knowledge that I didn't fully understand:
Colossians 1:15-20
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

During this past year or so I have read a lot from the Internet Monk about Jesus and his words really resonated with me in explaining Jesus in a more real way. Tw0 essays that really were meaningful and enlightening to me were "Is Jesus Truly the Point" and another called "A Conversation in God's Kitchen." I have also read Blue Like Jazz and am still reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller that have built on this theme of Jesus, particulary in moving away from formulas and more toward relationship with Jesus.

But getting back to We Would See Jesus, is the idea that Jesus can fulfill all of our needs, He is our salvation, Jesus is our I Am, he will be whatever we need. Now I don't mean wants turned into needs, such as needing the latest new car, technology gadget, etc. I mean deeper needs such as acceptance, love, friendship, forgiveness, and grace.

Maybe I have had my head in the sand or something, but I want to know Jesus more and want to look to him for all my needs. It is so easy to to get caught up in the noise of daily life and let the urgency of so many things crowd out Jesus. I pray I will See Jesus.

Rebuilder of Broken-down Walls

Jesus help me move ahead.
Help me to not feel powerless,
a victim of my life
Unable to move.
Stuck in stasis,
I do nothing.
Hiding from myself,
Hiding from God,
I become passive.
I shrink back.
I shirk responsibility.
I run away, play hide and seek with myself;
courage has left me.
Insipid timidity prevails,
where courage once triumphed.

Break the shackles,
free me from captivity
Throw out the lies,
don’t listen to the liar.
Embrace the truth,
That sets me free.
If the Son sets me free,
I will be free indeed.
Throw off the yoke of slavery,
Put on the yoke of freedom,
A yoke that’s light and easy.
Let Freedom ring
For Jesus came To set the captives free.
Set me free
Set me free.
Rebuild my broken down walls,
Rebuild my brokenness
Into your Oak of Righteousness
Replant me
Make me a display of your splendor.

Originally written January 19, 2006

When Will It Come.......

Soon it will be 6 years that I will have lived in the Northern California City that I live in. This has been a long time in the wilderness for me. I really desire deeper friendships and a sense of community and neither of those things are there for me....Part of me thinks if I just move back to my old city all would be well....I have some guys that live in that city that I have known many, many years....one I have know about 25 years.....I really long for a sense of belonging and community....I don't find that at church or work....I am probably deluding myself by thinking that things would be better in my old city where my friends and family still live....but 6 years is a long time.....

I see three possibilities:
1. I am in some sort of wilderness that God is trying to teach me something.
2. I suck at making friends
or 3. It is a hard phase in life to make friends....I am 38 years old, a family with 3 kids and I work all day long like everyone else in my peer group, so that does not leave much time for friends and community.

Where is the Acts 2 type of friendships and commuity that I long for? Maybe what I had was just something for college and now this is the best it is going to be? I just know that I am an extrovert that does not have that many friends where I live and I am frustrated by where I am. I know this is heightened by the fact that I am not as close to Jesus as I could be....Everything seems worse when I walk on my own through life's struggles.

Help me Jesus, Hold me Jesus.

Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Selah

I will wait, I will hope in what is not seen,
I will trust my Jesus