Dec 30, 2009

The Last Decade

The last decade I have in a the capital region of California. We moved here from the Bay Area to find better affordability and more room for our kids to run and play. Since we have come here that has been true and we even had a 3rd child while here. I think somewhere along the way, I lost my way so to speak. I forgot why we moved here.

For me, work has been generally stable, as I've only worked at two different companies during the time we've been here. In other areas of my life, it has not been as good. I don't have very many significant male friendships since living here, at least locally. I have several good friends back in my hometown that I've kept in touch with, but here, not so much.

I generally assess the year and look forward to the next at this time of year. I like to take stock of my life and look ahead to the new year, making goals for the new year. It seems even more significant that this is the start of a new Decade. This year I've come to the conclusion that I do not like living here. That is not the case for everyone in my family. My daughter loves living here. She's in 8th grade this year and has lots of friends at her school. But, anyway that has lead me to think about the past almost decade that we've lived here; we moved here in March of 2000. So it's close enough to say it's been a decade here in the Capital Region. What have we accomplished during this time? I don't think it was all a waste of time as I did earlier in the week.

Well, my kids have had a stable home to grow up in: They are 13, 11 and 8 years old. My youngest son has only know this area as home, and the other two barely remember our old city, other than visits to our family back there. My wife has completed her Mastera Degree and is a little over half way through a Ph. D. program. I have worked about half of my adult life here, developing in my career, growing and learning in my field as a business person in the technical realm. I've had a Renaissance of creativity while I've been up here. I have written over 200 poems since living here, not to mention other writings.....Wow, about 225 poems, I went back and counted them!!! I wrote 84 poems during the 90's

I really want to move back, and feel like if I stay here I will be stuck. I may have the possibility of transferring to my old city with my current company. What if I move back and I'm unhappy there? I miss the people, but what if I move back and it is terrible there. I've been living in fear, and excitement about the possibilities. My sister really wants me to move back as does my best friend, and I know my Mom would love it. Sometimes I've been escaping reality by doing searches on Craigslist for rentals back there, mapping to my company and my friends house from whatever rental I am looking at; scouting out the schools the kids could possibly attend; checking the API scores at those possible schools. There is also my wife getting a teaching job there after she is done with her PhD. There are a lot of "What Ifs" and I am afraid to really explore it all for fear that it may not happen and I'm stuck here for another decade and then I would be 52 instead of 42.

I need your help Jesus to not fear. And to not freak out.

I've been reading a Donald Miller book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It has really given me a lot to think about. The subtitle says a lot about it, "What I Learned While Editing My Life." He talks about Writing a better life and allowing the Author of Life, Jesus, to help you in doing that, editing your life into a better story. It really knocks up against the idea of "Being Stuck" which is what I've felt like for a while. I don't know if it is just depression or that I really am stagnant in my life. I want to move head first into the new year, with expectation and hope, instead of fear and trepidation. I need to cling to the many "Fear Not" verses that God has given.

Will return because I need to think about this decade further........