Jun 26, 2007

Hiding, Again

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 23:24

The answer to this question is no. But I think for almost 3 years I have been trying to hide from myself, my pain, and God. To back track a little, I was in counseling in the Fall of 2004 and it seemed very fruitful and productive. But then freaked from the pain it was exposing in my life and I stopped counseling the end of 2004. I think the past 2 and 1/2 years have been a slow hardening and withdrawing, hardening of myself. I have been hiding from the pain, and hiding from myself and running from God. I am scared thinking of the pain.

What brought this up and all is reading a post over at The Thinklings, Praying for Death. In the post Jared talks about the idea of praying for someone that's wicked to die. That brought me back to a horrible step father I had, Tommy. I have wished and prayed that Tommy was dead. Just thinking of him was like ripping the scab off a wound and the pain is there, still needing to be dealt with.

So now I have a choice: Face the pain and go to God with it or push it back down and move on. That second choice is easier in the short run, but not a very good idea. It just leads to broken cisterns being built. I have come to place before. It seems I keep revisiting this verse:

Jeremiah 2:13
"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water.

I want to be seeking the living waters of Jesus instead of digging my own cisterns that can not hold water.

I need the Strength of Jesus, the Grace of Jesus, the Love of Jesus to face my pain.