Aug 25, 2004


God is so graceful to me. I went to counseling on Monday and I had so much more hope when I left. I have been very afraid of facing my pain. When I told my counselor that I have been avoiding time alone with myself and God she asked me what I was afraid of. I didn't really know what to say, I couldn't put it into words. Fear is like that sometimes. The fear of the unknown can paralyze and overwhelm. After talking a while it came to the fact that I was scared that I would be out of control of my emotions. Back in the early 90's I had a time where I was very heartbroken and was crying all the time, but I was still functioning even in the midst of all the pain. I went to school, went to work, saw friends and still functioned in my life. I felt worried that once my emotions started flowing it would be like a car rolling down a steep hill. Would the brakes hold and allow me to stop? We then walked through all the worst case scenarios and gave solutions to each one and that helped me. I am a very emotional person and sometimes my emotions can really rattle me and roll over me. It helps going things logically, step by step. That is not my normal way; I think my logic is more like "scatter shot logic", jumping from A to F, maybe back to B, then I could go all the way to step Z, and so on.

My counselor said that God is so full of grace and he loves me just as much when I meet with him everyday or only meet with him 3 times in a 2 week period, which was the case for me. There are times when I know things in my head, but emotionally I am not there. My counselor also said that God is "Wooing us back." When she said that my mind went back to that verse in Job that I posted the other day:
Job 36:16
"He is wooing you back from the jaws of distress to a spacious place from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with good food."
I watch for repetition or patterns and when I see them I see that God is trying to teach me something.

My counselor said that I need to be easier on myself with the "shoulds." I "should write in my journal everyday," "I should read my Bible everyday," "I should be writing poems," and on and on. She also said maybe I just need to give myself a break during this time and do things that make me feel comforted and safe, such as "going to a hill and just sitting there reflecting on God's nature." When she said that I immediately thought that I am going to play my guitar. I used to play my guitar a lot, singing and playing worship songs to God from a book, or sometimes I would just make up my own songs on the guitar and sing them really loudly to God.

So when I got home I pulled my guitar out from the back of my closet and tuned it up. I played for a few minutes and then put the guitar out on its stand in my room as a reminder to "go on a hill" and play my heart out. I couldn't jump in right then because I had to take care of my kids.

Fear does not need to have a strangle hold on me because God is wooing me and loves me so much.
Isaiah 41:13
"For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you."

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