Weakness and Brokenness

It is sometimes hard to walk through life and feel like your life is a mess and a bunch of contradictions. There is a subtle pressure, somtimes overt pressure, in church to put on your best Sunday Smile and show everyone that you are OK and have things together. The fact is that I am messed up, broken and don't have it together.

I came accoss a great essay that addresses these concerns by Michael Spencer over at the Internet Monk. The essay is called When I am Weak and I think if more of us could have such honesty as we looked at our messed-up-broken-down-heaps-of lives-we would could walk in much greater freedom and experience the grace that only Jesus can bring. I think we so often don't get it that we can't be good enough. So we pretend that everything is OK all the time and we build a false picture of who we are. I know I can portray a false picture of righteousness and OK-ness. This essay talks about why we must embrace our brokenness and never be Good Christians. I think sometimes the words that Jesus says in Mark 2:17 are hard to grasp: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” I think we all want to be Healthy in how we view ourselves. There is always someone worse off than us. But we all are "sick" and if we think we are "healthy" or "righteous" in our own right, we are fooling ourselves.

So I am going to trying to be OK with my broken-down, dysfunctional life. Jesus came for people like me who don't need to pretend that we have it all together; we don't have to feel healthy. I just need to know Jesus brings grace to me and I can live in the midst my own messiness. I need to embrace the message in
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Writing My Way Out of Depression...

I am coming out of the depressive state I have been and as I have said, writing is helping me. My poems are like little snapshots of where I am it helps me to clarify what I think and what is going on inside me. As Flannery O'Connor said, "How do I know what I think until I see what I say."

Taking It Back

What are you working for?
Adventure and passion
Will never go out of style.
But the quiet existence
Of monotony drives
You toward insanity.

Sip the water.
Quenched and quenching
Sometimes it’s wrenching
To have the ache of
Passion stifled,
And stuffed down.
It wants to come up
And burst forth.
But it tastes like bile, its burning
When quietly yearning
Waiting to live the life you
Were made to live.

Zest and gusto
Is what I long for.
Drink in life,
Savor every moment.
Staggering drunk from
Taking it all in.
Reckless abandon,
A passionate rage to live,
I cast out on the quest
To take back my life.

Fight it and drive it
Into the corner,
Battle the mediocrity
That slowly eats away
At the plans you once made.
Get up everyday and fight
Your complacency with
A sense of urgency,
Subdue it, pursue it.
Wake up from the spell
You’ve been under.

Seize your life,
Pick it up off the floor.
Run to the fields of freedom and truth.
Live life abundantly.

Written April 19, 2005

I know that God is helping me and I am not just pulling myself up by my boot straps, forcing myself out of depression. His Word is working in me and changing me in ways that I could never change on my own. The Bible is "Living and Active" and is in my heart and mind and working like a soothing balm or medicine, cheering my heart and lifting the fog from me.

Resting Place....

Here is another poem that kind of arose out of some verses that I really love. The poem just came pouring out of me with all of the kernels of the verses embedded in them, as if God was helping me to write out, or "Work out" what was already hidden in my heart.

Resting Place

I write out the dark night of my soul
Jesus, only in you am I truly whole.
Fenced in and pinned down,
I only want to fight the pain
That wants to consume me.
Free me from the prison I’m in,
Give me your freedom.
Make my yoke easy
Make my burden light.
For I am so weary,
So very wear.
I need you.
Free me

Here’s my heart,
My heavy, heavy heart
I cast my cares on you, Jesus.
Transcend may anxiousness with peace
That exceeds all my understandings.
Release me from captivity
Into your freedom.
Brake the chains that bind
Satisfy me for I am so faint.
Please restore my soul,
Help me only find rest in you.
Fortify me,
Cover me in your wings
Protect me from the arrows
That fly by day.
Help me sing for joy.
Be my Resting place.

Written April 19, 2005

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Psalm 62:5-6
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

Psalm 91:4-5
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Some Relief from Deppression.....Poetry

I am starting to come out of the fog of depression and part of what has helped has been writing poems. God really uses poetry that I write to lift me up lighten my heavy heart. Sometimes it is easy to forget that. This week I have written a bunch of poems and my spirit has really been lifted a lot. I will post some of what I have written.

Familiar Voices

Spinning and twisting
I try to find my way.
I see smog, the haze
I stumble in the maze.
Clipped and clipping,
My feet are slipping
Close to the ledge.

Throw me a rope,
Write me a line,
Friendship binds us together,
And helps us cope.
When life squeezes us,
A familiar voice frees us,
And cheers the heart.

Down the path
Life’s journey throws
Us troubles that
Make us fall.
After tumbling
When you’re crumbling
It’s good to have someone
Dust you off
And pick you up.

The voice of a friend,
Soothes my soul.

April 19, 2005

Still Broken......

I have been going back and forth between depression and being OK....I have been in a funk for over a month or so. My work has suffered and part of me is not sure if maybe my work is part of the cause. But I don't want to be depressed.....I want to shake free. I want to have a "peace that surpasses understanding." I want to have a joy bubbling out of me...I want my attitude to be better but it has been difficult.

Life has not been fun; it has been drudgery at times. I want it to be a daring adventure! But yet I still find myself broken. I want to get away from my brokenness, yet it dogs me and hounds me. Yet in my weakness, in my frailty I can find the strength of Jesus. In the upside down Kingdom I can find strength in the midst of my weakness; I can find joy in the midst of pain; I can find healing in the midst of "sickness"". As I write of I think of the words of Jesus in Matthew 9:11-13:
On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

If I had it all together and everything was going peachy-keen where is my need for Jesus? I don't have to feel OK; I don't have to be funk-less. I just need to know that Jesus came for people just like me: the broken, the sick, the unrighteous, those who don't have it all together, those in a fog or a funk.

I will end with some verses that I really love.
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I also like the same passage in The Message version:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Friendship....

I have not posted in a long time because I gave up Blogging and blogs for Lent.

I have been wanting to have some deeper guy friendships where I live and I was journaling about this on Friday. I was led to a series of verses on friendship that really were not what I expected. The first verse I turned to I have known and loved, Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." Growing up a I had a friend that was my best friend since 8th grade. We met each other the summer before 8th grade when we both had paper routes and got our newspapers dropped of the at the same "drop." I came riding up on a my sisters purple bike with a bannana seat to deliver the my papers. I'm sure I was not the picture of coolness, but rather dorky. But anyway, I will call him Joe. Joe and I spent a lot of time together folding our papers and we quickly became friends.

We were best friends through out high school, we were always together. I would stay over his house on many nights, even on some school nights. It was like I was his brother and his house was my second home. Besides Joe's friendship, his family was an oasis of stability compared to my own broken family. I cherished Joe's friendship. We went to a Youth Group together, were in a Bible study together, we basically came of age together.

But after I got married we drifted some due to different priorities in life. We also went to different churches and just did not see one another as much. After a few years Joe got married and we did some more things together and then were involved in a Bible study with 4 other guys. This helped us draw together again. I also deepended the friendships with the other guys in our Bible study. We met every other week, but it was often enough to connect and go deep.

Then I moved a 100 miles away. That is not really that far, but far enough to feel the distance. Far enough to feel the void distance can create in friendships. Far enought to realize how I took for granted these friendships I had developed over many, many years.

I can call these friends on the phone, and I do, but it is good to hang out with a friend. It is good to be go to coffee with somone instead of just talking on the phone. It is great to laugh with someone, to see and hear them laugh. I have a need to be with people at times, that can fuel me; I am an extovert who makes friends slowly.

God is faithful and provides for me, but not always as quickly as I would lile.

Getting back to some of the other verses I found on friendship:
Proverbs 18:24
"A man of many companions may
come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks
closer than a brother."

Proverbs 12:26
"A righteous man is cautious in
friendship,
but the way of the wicked leads
them astray."

Proverbs 13:20
"He who walks with the wise grows
wise,
but a companion of fools suffers
harm."

Proverbs 27:10
"Do not forsake your friend and the
friend of your father,
and do not go to your brother's
house when disaster strikes
you-
better a neighbor nearby than a
brother far away."

I guess there are areas of brokenness that do linger for me. It is part of living in a fallen world. I will keep looking for the "friend the sticks closer than a brother" and the "brother that is born for adversit." Perhaps someone needs me to be that for them, more than I need that. I pray that our paths will cross.

Moving Ahead....

I started this blog to chronicle my journey of pain. Now after searching through a multitude of Christian blogs with various viewpoints and Theological leanings I have come to realize how much God's Scripture means to me- His Word, His statues, basically the Bible. I am going to be making some changes, for those who care, at this blog in the next couple weeks. I am still broken, but it is not so acute. I don't ever want to get to the point that I don't think I need the redeeming Grace of Jesus, the work done on the cross, and his rising on the 3rd day. But,I guess I am done wallowing in my pain and want to live the abundant life that Jeus said he has come to give me in John 10:10. I think I have spent a lot of time letting the thief rob and steal the joy and abundance that Jesus brings. Emergence, Evangelicals, Reformed- all of the various blogs I have visited in the last 6 months have played a part in my moving on to a new phase where I am getting back to the basics of standing on God's Word, Hiding it in my heart and meditating on it day and night, instead of focusing so much on my past. Sure, I come from a broken home, sure I hurt, but God is forming me and shaping me on His Potters wheel day by day and as Paul says in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. "
I am wanting to move forward as Paul says,

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:12-14

I will Press On!!

Blogging, emergents, evangelicals, & other thoughts

I have really been enjoying reading through and trying to understand the emergent movement at various blogs. Some of the stops I have made have been to Willzhead and Baldman Blogging. I have been a little passionate in my discussions and disagreements but it is a good process to go through. Along with that I have also discovered some other perspectives that are closer to my own views, such as The Evangelical Outpost and AdrianWarnock's UK Evangelical Blog, and many others, but mainly those 4. What it has caused me to realize is that I really love the Word of God and I hold it as paramount in my life. Not that I doubted that, it has just reafirrmed that to me. Even more I continue to believe the Bible is absolutely True, being perfect, complete and relevant to our lives. I hopefully have not offended anyone in my comments and beliefs, but I have enjoyed the debate, disscussion, etc. Hopefully some new friendships will form from these exchanges. All of you bloggers for God out there in the blogoshpere, thanks for doing your thing, regardless of whether we are on the same page.

The internet, and blogs in general, is an intersting medium. What fascinates me is how much you now see the prescence of blogs affecting the standard news media outlets, and really in a short time. It is almost like a whole new news structure is forming, like a checks and balance system to the traditional news organizations. It was intersting to see that on the West Wing a couple weeks ago where blogging had a big role of the show, and was even mentioned on this weeks episode.

What is even more amazing is to step back and try to wonder what God is doing in these things.....we will only have to wait and see

I will close with a verse from my favorite book of the Bible, Jeremiah:
Jeremiah 33:3
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

My Heart

I have been reading Wild At Heart by John Eldredge and God has been showing me a lot through this book. One thing he said real struck me and I wrote it down on an index card and carry it around with me:
"You must ask God what he thinks of you, and you must stay with him until you have an answer. The battle will get fierce here. This is the last thing the Evil One wants you to know." So I have been asking God that question for a few days.

The first thing God brought up is a poem that he gave me last June. When I say that he gave it to me, I feel like he really was writing it to me.

For the Broken
Written June 16, 2004

Poet, touch every hand.
Drop down every weight.
Lift every burden.
On the lead-lined highway
Brokenness calls out;
Desperate cries,
Subtle sighs,
And pleading groans pour forth.

At the foot of the mountain
I hear the strong, quiet voice of God whisper,
“You are mine; I am not finished with you.
Take heart and be courageous.”

I walk, my head held higher.
My steps planted more firmly.

In desperate moments
People are hurting.
“Be my voice.
Be my light.
Be my hands.
Be my comfort.
Be my vessel of grace.
Be my Living Water
For the broken.”

Matthew9:12
“It is the not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

God gave me this, and then reminded me of this when I asked him what he thought of me. What I love about this is that God wants me to help others, and then he says to me, "You're doing well, be strong, I have more to do in your life. Get out there and be involved in people's lives."

I have more that God has shown me that I will post later.

Scattered Thoughts

I have all these random thoughts flooding into my mind: Work; past friends; Freedom in Christ; future and present friends; my children's salvation and how they will walk with Christ; mistakes made and lessons learned; filling in for my son's Awana Leader tonight; I am all over the map and I am overwhelmed!

I have been learning, or re-learning a lot about God's Word and how important it is to knowing God. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Hebrews 4:12
"The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
I just think of the Word working around in me and doing stuff, cutting through me and really changing me on a core level. When I let it marinate within me it brings about a peace that really does "surpass all understanding." I used to deal with huge struggles with lust and impurity years ago in my early college days. I was in bondage. One of the ways to change my thought life was to memorize scripture. I carried around index cards with verses on them and I would set a countdown timer on my watch for 15 minutes and and I would recite the verse every time the alarm went off. I carried the verse cards for years. I eventually stopped carrying around the cards.
About 5 years ago when I moved from the city I grew up in I started carrying them again. I was at a low place spiritually and felt very dead. When I moved I had none of my friends around and I was very lonely. God brought me to where we moved to, his hand was in it all. I felt like I was so stagnant before I moved; I took my Christian friends for granted. I had my family but I was empty and God drew me back to him. I started writing in a journal again and drinking deeply of God's living water, his Bread of Life, his Word.

Everything did not change overnight and suddenly I had lots of new friends. I think for 4 of those years I was in the wilderness, still desiring friends and still lonely. But the difference was that I was no longer spiritually asleep. God woke me up and drew me to himself. At times I would have an oasis of friendship and I did keep in touch with my friend from my old city, which is about 100 miles away. I would call and email and see them all about twice a year...But that is not not the same as being in the same city. God has been building me back up. I would not trade what this all for anything...It has not been easy, but it has been good.

So what is next? I don't know. My couselor a couple weeks ago asked me a question out the blue when we were talking about what I would want God to do for me, if I could have anything and right away I said I want a group of guy friends. Then she said something that caught me by surprise, "So have you asked God?" And the truth was, no, I hadn't. I had talked to my sister, my wife and some distant friends about it but not really talked to God. She brought up Matthew 7, you know, the section that talks about "Ask and you shall receive, etc." I had not asked God for some friends. God is all about relationships. I just went and read that section now:
Matthew 7:7-12
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
I had remembered the part about the bread and stone, then fish and snake part, but I don't know, I guess I didn't apply this section of the Bible to me very much. I am going start praying this way more. Maybe it is because I didn't have very good father experiences growing up: either absentee in my real dad or abusive with step-fathers. I am now a father and I think I can see these verses in a whole new way. I want the best for my kids....And God wants the best for me and wants to "give good gifts," to me. Sometimes I don't ask....Sometimes it is hard to ask...

Why is hard for me to ask God for things? Is it pride or self sufficiency? Is it because I'm not sure I'm worth it? I'm not sure why I don't generally ask for things like this from God that I really want.

I do know that I'm going to start asking my Father who likes to give good gifts