It's been almost 2 months since my last blog....I guess the hits to my blog must be pretty low :-)
Anyway, I have been too busy! Life has a way of doing that to you sometimes....or should I more accurately say, that I have a tendency to get too busy. Last week I had my 21st Christian Birthday and it made me pause and reflect on my life and assess where my past year. I usually assess my past year twice a year: at my birthday in late October and then again at New Years. I think I just had a mini reflection in October because I allowed myself to be so busy. So anyway, I am somewhat disappointed with how my year has been. I am looking back maybe a little further than a year, maybe to Sept/Oct 2004.
One could look back to the genesis of this blog and I see where I was and where I am now....I started this blog as a way to deal with my pain of the past. I was going to counseling, journaling a lot and reading some really good books. God was showing me a new view of Freedom and then I think somewhere along the way I put the on E-Brake. I think I was freaking out about where God might be taking me and scared about the pain I might experience....So I filled up my time; I got myself busy at work and outside of work....I filled my time with reading blogs, compiling a lot of different blogs in my Bloglines account and commenting on a lot of blogs. I was busy with work and I was busy with volunteer work at church and my daughter's soccer team. Even when I have had time and not been busy with meetings at lunch I have not made use of my lunch hour to read, pray, and journal as I used to so consistently. Instead I find that I so often fritter away my lunch time on email, surfing the web, etc.
I don't want to come to this same point in the year next year and have regrets about a lot of the year. Only by consciously planning small daily steps can we change ourselves & move towards the outcome we want. Daily discipline is one of the big keys as I am thinking about all this. It is much easier to be swept up in the momentum of daily busyness and the pressures of life than to slow down and deliberately examine your life and spend time with Jesus. As this year is coming to an end I want to be more deliberate in how I spend my time, and I want to have more contemplative time in prayer and reading the Bible. I think also, I have let the noise of life crowd out the peace of Jesus....It is so easy to fill up on noise, everything shouts so loud and the quiet voice of Jesus takes some slowing, some quiet space, to hear and follow. I let the fear of my past pain shut me down, paralyzing me into a frenzied busyness that numbed me like a drug. What I have really need is the soothing, healing touch of Jesus.
I really love the book of Jeremiah, there are so many verses in this book that are meaningful to me. Some are well known and often quoted, such as Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I read the whole book of Jeremiah over a weekend camping by myself back in May of 1989 when I was going through a very painful time. Perhaps that is why I keep coming back to Jeremiah. In it also, God again and again gives Israel a second chance. There are some verses in this book that I love: Jeremiah 31:25 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 2:13, not as encouraging, but what we all do again and again:
"My people have committed two sins; They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
How many cisterns, things, distractions, sins, have I, all of us, dug-tried to fashion-- that don't hold water, we turn from His Living water and try to replace it with stagnating, rotten, putrid water.
A more recent discovery is Jeremiah 33:6-8 "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their rebellion against me." This gives me hope. One last gem, Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah Trivia: It is the longest book of the Bible, not in chapters, but in total words. There are a bunch of other great passages in Jeremiah, which I will let you discover....I am already feeling encouraged from being reminded of passages that I have known and treasure. God's Word brings Freedom and Healing, I just need to make time and slow down to take it in, and I need to stop Hiding.
Oct 27, 2005
Happy Birthday to Me!
It's my birthday today; I am 38. It was a very good day all in all....my kids and wife came to my work and took me to lunch at Chipotle, one of my favorite places to eat. We ate, I opened presents, and we had choclate cake. I always like birthdays and New Years....both are a good time to look back on the past year and reflect, get pensive, contemplate your naval. I also went to Starbucks 3 times today: early A.M. with a friend, mid-day after lunch, and tonight during my daughter's soccer practice....going to Starbucks is one of my favorite things to do.
I want to be pensive but mostly I feel tired......I want to ponder what God has in store for me during this next year, but like I said, I am so tired....weary actually. I will sign off my monthly blog entry with a few of my favorite passages from the Bible:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Selah
John 4:13-14
Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Hopefully I can embrace the spirit of these passages and trust Jesus in a deeper way during this next year, knowing that I so desparately need the grace of Jesus to permeate my life, my heart, & my soul.
I want to be pensive but mostly I feel tired......I want to ponder what God has in store for me during this next year, but like I said, I am so tired....weary actually. I will sign off my monthly blog entry with a few of my favorite passages from the Bible:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Selah
John 4:13-14
Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Hopefully I can embrace the spirit of these passages and trust Jesus in a deeper way during this next year, knowing that I so desparately need the grace of Jesus to permeate my life, my heart, & my soul.
Sep 12, 2005
Insanity
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." ~ Benjamin Franklin
I feel like this has been describing me to a tee lately. I have not been meeting with God very much, maybe once a week or less, and wondering why my I am so down and out, depressed. Everything seems to stress me out and I feel so burdened because I am not going to the ultimate source of Living Water, Jesus. A verse that has meant a lot to me for about 15 years or so is Jeremiah 2:13
"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me, the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water. "
I have been trying so much to make my own cisterns and the water is leaking out and Jesus wants to provide with his Living Water. The cisterns of busyness. The cisterns of blogs. The cisterns of work. The cisterns of kids sports. The cisterns of volunteering....
None of those quench my thirst or fills my needs. Jesus says in John 4 "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." A long time ago I heard a pastor preach on this and he said that form of drinks in the original language would be more accurately translated , "Drinks and keeps drinking..."
Insanity. My soul is cracked and dry and is needing refreshment from the Living Water of Jesus. I need him more than anything. For the one or two readers of this blog, we need him more than anything. But I find lately I am not going back to what I know works, time alone with Jesus praying to him, reading the Bible, but I opt for the lies and insanity of everything else that is calling out so urgently in this life, yelling in visual and auditory tones...the internet, talk radio, K-Love, more noise, but what I need is solitude with my Jesus.
My Jesus, Please help me,
Please Hold me.
Help me to drink deeply from your Living Waters,
that well up to eternal life today.
Carry me,
My Jesus...
I feel like this has been describing me to a tee lately. I have not been meeting with God very much, maybe once a week or less, and wondering why my I am so down and out, depressed. Everything seems to stress me out and I feel so burdened because I am not going to the ultimate source of Living Water, Jesus. A verse that has meant a lot to me for about 15 years or so is Jeremiah 2:13
"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me, the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water. "
I have been trying so much to make my own cisterns and the water is leaking out and Jesus wants to provide with his Living Water. The cisterns of busyness. The cisterns of blogs. The cisterns of work. The cisterns of kids sports. The cisterns of volunteering....
None of those quench my thirst or fills my needs. Jesus says in John 4 "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." A long time ago I heard a pastor preach on this and he said that form of drinks in the original language would be more accurately translated , "Drinks and keeps drinking..."
Insanity. My soul is cracked and dry and is needing refreshment from the Living Water of Jesus. I need him more than anything. For the one or two readers of this blog, we need him more than anything. But I find lately I am not going back to what I know works, time alone with Jesus praying to him, reading the Bible, but I opt for the lies and insanity of everything else that is calling out so urgently in this life, yelling in visual and auditory tones...the internet, talk radio, K-Love, more noise, but what I need is solitude with my Jesus.
My Jesus, Please help me,
Please Hold me.
Help me to drink deeply from your Living Waters,
that well up to eternal life today.
Carry me,
My Jesus...
Aug 17, 2005
Blogging, Why Bother?
Why do I blog....I don't have much to say and not many are really reading what I do say....Why bother? I'm not really sure that blogging is useful to me? What I really desire blogging can't provide. I desire deep, in person relationships and blogging generally does not foster that for me. I think part of it is that I desire contact with others even in the form of online interactions....but also it can be addictive to read the blogs....and I think we all desire to connect with other people and online is just one method.
What makes one a blogger? Do you need to blog 1 or more times a day? Do I need to have the TTLB Ecosystem Animal posted on my blog to be considered a true blogger? I guess according them I am a Crawly Amphibian . To be a real blogger do I need a Technorati button and a Blogdom of God button? Do I need to give everyone a survey of what's going on around the blogosphere to be a real blogger? I guess I am feeling somewhat cynical about it all and feel the time I put into reading blogs is having diminishing returns and the act of blogging doesn't really bring about true community. People may argue with me on the last point, and I'm sure it is a sort of community, but I think it is more of a pseudo-community. It looks real, and at times feels real, but as of yet no one has hugged me through my computer screen. I know some people have a Skype button and I could call them with it, but I'm not going to call a stranger. Another thing I have been wondering is about is annonymous blogging, why do I do it and what do others think about it?
But the most important question I have to ask:
What if I spend more time reading blogs about what others say about Jesus than I actually do in spending time studying what the Bible says about Jesus?
What makes one a blogger? Do you need to blog 1 or more times a day? Do I need to have the TTLB Ecosystem Animal posted on my blog to be considered a true blogger? I guess according them I am a Crawly Amphibian . To be a real blogger do I need a Technorati button and a Blogdom of God button? Do I need to give everyone a survey of what's going on around the blogosphere to be a real blogger? I guess I am feeling somewhat cynical about it all and feel the time I put into reading blogs is having diminishing returns and the act of blogging doesn't really bring about true community. People may argue with me on the last point, and I'm sure it is a sort of community, but I think it is more of a pseudo-community. It looks real, and at times feels real, but as of yet no one has hugged me through my computer screen. I know some people have a Skype button and I could call them with it, but I'm not going to call a stranger. Another thing I have been wondering is about is annonymous blogging, why do I do it and what do others think about it?
But the most important question I have to ask:
What if I spend more time reading blogs about what others say about Jesus than I actually do in spending time studying what the Bible says about Jesus?
Jul 25, 2005
Family Dinners
My wife and I were watching TV the other night and a silly ad for TV trays came on...This spurred us to start talking about family dinners. Anyway, as we were talking I realized I really don't have many memories of family dinners. I can remember being a kid at relatives for dinners, but not my own family.....My wife was asking what our dinner table looked like and I couldn't remember. I could not remember one dinner around the table with my sister, mom and her different boyfriends or husbands...at first I just thought that I had a memory block but then I remembered that I ate meals at either Togo's or my friend's house. I had a place at my friends table that was mine. I confirmed all this with my sister....I don't know why this surprises me, but I feel broken again.
I can't make the brokenness go away by myself....I can't fix myself. I want to either pretend I am OK and that my childhood pain doesn't affect me or I numb myself with the "noise" of information from all the blogs I read....I was both sad and angry that my mother cared more about her needs and staying over at her boyfriend's house than what was going on with my sister and me. Sure we had a roof over our head....but kids need more than that. It was almost like my sister and I were raising ourselves and we weren't even on her list.
Only Jesus can heal my brokenness. He needs set me free. It brings me back to a post I wrote back in September, about Freedom, that I brought up a set of verses that God keeps bringing back to me:
Isaiah 61:1
" He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
I was writing in my journal today and looking through my Bible and was led to this verse Jeremiah after reading Isaiah 61:
Jeremiah 30:17
"But I will restore you to health
and will heal your wounds"
I need Jesus to hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, then rebuild me. It seems to be a process of 3 steps forward 2 steps back where there are cycles of feeling strong and then feeling weak. I feel very weak right now.
I will close with a verse that has been one of my favorites and it is kind of ironic that it is just a little past Isaiah 61:1 and it is what Jesus is doing with me, although sometimes I am tired of feeling broken, but He has his hand on me now, and was protecting me during chlidhood days growing up, even before I knew him, he knew me and had a plan for me:
Isaiah 61:3
They will be called Oaks of Righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for display of his splendor.
Jesus is building me into his Oak of Righteousness, but Oaks take a long time to grow.
I can't make the brokenness go away by myself....I can't fix myself. I want to either pretend I am OK and that my childhood pain doesn't affect me or I numb myself with the "noise" of information from all the blogs I read....I was both sad and angry that my mother cared more about her needs and staying over at her boyfriend's house than what was going on with my sister and me. Sure we had a roof over our head....but kids need more than that. It was almost like my sister and I were raising ourselves and we weren't even on her list.
Only Jesus can heal my brokenness. He needs set me free. It brings me back to a post I wrote back in September, about Freedom, that I brought up a set of verses that God keeps bringing back to me:
Isaiah 61:1
" He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
I was writing in my journal today and looking through my Bible and was led to this verse Jeremiah after reading Isaiah 61:
Jeremiah 30:17
"But I will restore you to health
and will heal your wounds"
I need Jesus to hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, hold me and heal me, then rebuild me. It seems to be a process of 3 steps forward 2 steps back where there are cycles of feeling strong and then feeling weak. I feel very weak right now.
I will close with a verse that has been one of my favorites and it is kind of ironic that it is just a little past Isaiah 61:1 and it is what Jesus is doing with me, although sometimes I am tired of feeling broken, but He has his hand on me now, and was protecting me during chlidhood days growing up, even before I knew him, he knew me and had a plan for me:
Isaiah 61:3
They will be called Oaks of Righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for display of his splendor.
Jesus is building me into his Oak of Righteousness, but Oaks take a long time to grow.
Jun 29, 2005
Blown Away!
I was visiting family this past weekend for my sister's baby shower. As I was saying goodbyes to everyone I went to say goodbye to my step-dad and went to give him a hug and he said to me, "I love you, son. We've been through a lot together." I was completely caught off guard! My dad died when I was twenty....that was 17 years ago and I don't think anyone has called me "son" since then. I have really been thinking about this a lot and it is 4 days later....it really touched me, or should I say it blew me away.
Without minimizing my step-dad's feelings I also feeling like God was speaking to me through him.
Without minimizing my step-dad's feelings I also feeling like God was speaking to me through him.
Jun 22, 2005
Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places
I am reading an incredible book by Eugene Peterson, Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. There is a lot in here that I want to-need to-write about as I mull over what I have read. What Peterson writes really opens my eyes to more fully living out my life with Jesus....I will post in more detail on my reading soon....
Jun 17, 2005
My Theological worldview...according to Quiz Farm
 | You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.
What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com |
Jun 7, 2005
I need Jesus....
Over a month has past since I last wrote...During that time I went on mega-vacation for 17 days with my family to the East Coast. I had hoped that I would spend a lot of time writing in my journal at night and reading this great book I bought before I left, Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places...But I didn't...I wrote in my journal 3 times, including one entry on the plane ride home & read about 3 or 4 pages of my book. I did spend a lot of time with my kids and wife building some great memories, visiting a lot of great places and visiting relatives & friends. It was a Great vacation!
But I come back a little disappointed in myself that I didn't make more time to dwell with Jesus. Here I am back in the daily routine, 2 days back, and I have read more of my book than my whole trip and I have come away with the clear realization that I need Jesus. I am lost without him. Why is it so easy to let the busyness of life press out Jesus? Several times on vacation I had some down time that I could have used to seek him but instead I chose the Internet over time with Jesus. Jesus does not force me to come to him; he will let me waste as much time as I choose to waste. When the quiet moments come I feel the loneliness and I know how desperately I need Jesus to keep saving me and bringing me freedom...
But I come back a little disappointed in myself that I didn't make more time to dwell with Jesus. Here I am back in the daily routine, 2 days back, and I have read more of my book than my whole trip and I have come away with the clear realization that I need Jesus. I am lost without him. Why is it so easy to let the busyness of life press out Jesus? Several times on vacation I had some down time that I could have used to seek him but instead I chose the Internet over time with Jesus. Jesus does not force me to come to him; he will let me waste as much time as I choose to waste. When the quiet moments come I feel the loneliness and I know how desperately I need Jesus to keep saving me and bringing me freedom...
Apr 25, 2005
Weakness and Brokenness
It is sometimes hard to walk through life and feel like your life is a mess and a bunch of contradictions. There is a subtle pressure, somtimes overt pressure, in church to put on your best Sunday Smile and show everyone that you are OK and have things together. The fact is that I am messed up, broken and don't have it together.
I came accoss a great essay that addresses these concerns by Michael Spencer over at the Internet Monk. The essay is called When I am Weak and I think if more of us could have such honesty as we looked at our messed-up-broken-down-heaps-of lives-we would could walk in much greater freedom and experience the grace that only Jesus can bring. I think we so often don't get it that we can't be good enough. So we pretend that everything is OK all the time and we build a false picture of who we are. I know I can portray a false picture of righteousness and OK-ness. This essay talks about why we must embrace our brokenness and never be Good Christians. I think sometimes the words that Jesus says in Mark 2:17 are hard to grasp: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” I think we all want to be Healthy in how we view ourselves. There is always someone worse off than us. But we all are "sick" and if we think we are "healthy" or "righteous" in our own right, we are fooling ourselves.
So I am going to trying to be OK with my broken-down, dysfunctional life. Jesus came for people like me who don't need to pretend that we have it all together; we don't have to feel healthy. I just need to know Jesus brings grace to me and I can live in the midst my own messiness. I need to embrace the message in
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I came accoss a great essay that addresses these concerns by Michael Spencer over at the Internet Monk. The essay is called When I am Weak and I think if more of us could have such honesty as we looked at our messed-up-broken-down-heaps-of lives-we would could walk in much greater freedom and experience the grace that only Jesus can bring. I think we so often don't get it that we can't be good enough. So we pretend that everything is OK all the time and we build a false picture of who we are. I know I can portray a false picture of righteousness and OK-ness. This essay talks about why we must embrace our brokenness and never be Good Christians. I think sometimes the words that Jesus says in Mark 2:17 are hard to grasp: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” I think we all want to be Healthy in how we view ourselves. There is always someone worse off than us. But we all are "sick" and if we think we are "healthy" or "righteous" in our own right, we are fooling ourselves.
So I am going to trying to be OK with my broken-down, dysfunctional life. Jesus came for people like me who don't need to pretend that we have it all together; we don't have to feel healthy. I just need to know Jesus brings grace to me and I can live in the midst my own messiness. I need to embrace the message in
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Apr 21, 2005
Writing My Way Out of Depression...
I am coming out of the depressive state I have been and as I have said, writing is helping me. My poems are like little snapshots of where I am it helps me to clarify what I think and what is going on inside me. As Flannery O'Connor said, "How do I know what I think until I see what I say."
Taking It Back
What are you working for?
Adventure and passion
Will never go out of style.
But the quiet existence
Of monotony drives
You toward insanity.
Sip the water.
Quenched and quenching
Sometimes it’s wrenching
To have the ache of
Passion stifled,
And stuffed down.
It wants to come up
And burst forth.
But it tastes like bile, its burning
When quietly yearning
Waiting to live the life you
Were made to live.
Zest and gusto
Is what I long for.
Drink in life,
Savor every moment.
Staggering drunk from
Taking it all in.
Reckless abandon,
A passionate rage to live,
I cast out on the quest
To take back my life.
Fight it and drive it
Into the corner,
Battle the mediocrity
That slowly eats away
At the plans you once made.
Get up everyday and fight
Your complacency with
A sense of urgency,
Subdue it, pursue it.
Wake up from the spell
You’ve been under.
Seize your life,
Pick it up off the floor.
Run to the fields of freedom and truth.
Live life abundantly.
Written April 19, 2005
I know that God is helping me and I am not just pulling myself up by my boot straps, forcing myself out of depression. His Word is working in me and changing me in ways that I could never change on my own. The Bible is "Living and Active" and is in my heart and mind and working like a soothing balm or medicine, cheering my heart and lifting the fog from me.
Taking It Back
What are you working for?
Adventure and passion
Will never go out of style.
But the quiet existence
Of monotony drives
You toward insanity.
Sip the water.
Quenched and quenching
Sometimes it’s wrenching
To have the ache of
Passion stifled,
And stuffed down.
It wants to come up
And burst forth.
But it tastes like bile, its burning
When quietly yearning
Waiting to live the life you
Were made to live.
Zest and gusto
Is what I long for.
Drink in life,
Savor every moment.
Staggering drunk from
Taking it all in.
Reckless abandon,
A passionate rage to live,
I cast out on the quest
To take back my life.
Fight it and drive it
Into the corner,
Battle the mediocrity
That slowly eats away
At the plans you once made.
Get up everyday and fight
Your complacency with
A sense of urgency,
Subdue it, pursue it.
Wake up from the spell
You’ve been under.
Seize your life,
Pick it up off the floor.
Run to the fields of freedom and truth.
Live life abundantly.
Written April 19, 2005
I know that God is helping me and I am not just pulling myself up by my boot straps, forcing myself out of depression. His Word is working in me and changing me in ways that I could never change on my own. The Bible is "Living and Active" and is in my heart and mind and working like a soothing balm or medicine, cheering my heart and lifting the fog from me.
Apr 20, 2005
Resting Place....
Here is another poem that kind of arose out of some verses that I really love. The poem just came pouring out of me with all of the kernels of the verses embedded in them, as if God was helping me to write out, or "Work out" what was already hidden in my heart.
Resting Place
I write out the dark night of my soul
Jesus, only in you am I truly whole.
Fenced in and pinned down,
I only want to fight the pain
That wants to consume me.
Free me from the prison I’m in,
Give me your freedom.
Make my yoke easy
Make my burden light.
For I am so weary,
So very wear.
I need you.
Free me
Here’s my heart,
My heavy, heavy heart
I cast my cares on you, Jesus.
Transcend may anxiousness with peace
That exceeds all my understandings.
Release me from captivity
Into your freedom.
Brake the chains that bind
Satisfy me for I am so faint.
Please restore my soul,
Help me only find rest in you.
Fortify me,
Cover me in your wings
Protect me from the arrows
That fly by day.
Help me sing for joy.
Be my Resting place.
Written April 19, 2005
Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Psalm 62:5-6
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 91:4-5
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
Resting Place
I write out the dark night of my soul
Jesus, only in you am I truly whole.
Fenced in and pinned down,
I only want to fight the pain
That wants to consume me.
Free me from the prison I’m in,
Give me your freedom.
Make my yoke easy
Make my burden light.
For I am so weary,
So very wear.
I need you.
Free me
Here’s my heart,
My heavy, heavy heart
I cast my cares on you, Jesus.
Transcend may anxiousness with peace
That exceeds all my understandings.
Release me from captivity
Into your freedom.
Brake the chains that bind
Satisfy me for I am so faint.
Please restore my soul,
Help me only find rest in you.
Fortify me,
Cover me in your wings
Protect me from the arrows
That fly by day.
Help me sing for joy.
Be my Resting place.
Written April 19, 2005
Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Psalm 62:5-6
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 91:4-5
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
Some Relief from Deppression.....Poetry
I am starting to come out of the fog of depression and part of what has helped has been writing poems. God really uses poetry that I write to lift me up lighten my heavy heart. Sometimes it is easy to forget that. This week I have written a bunch of poems and my spirit has really been lifted a lot. I will post some of what I have written.
Familiar Voices
Spinning and twisting
I try to find my way.
I see smog, the haze
I stumble in the maze.
Clipped and clipping,
My feet are slipping
Close to the ledge.
Throw me a rope,
Write me a line,
Friendship binds us together,
And helps us cope.
When life squeezes us,
A familiar voice frees us,
And cheers the heart.
Down the path
Life’s journey throws
Us troubles that
Make us fall.
After tumbling
When you’re crumbling
It’s good to have someone
Dust you off
And pick you up.
The voice of a friend,
Soothes my soul.
April 19, 2005
Familiar Voices
Spinning and twisting
I try to find my way.
I see smog, the haze
I stumble in the maze.
Clipped and clipping,
My feet are slipping
Close to the ledge.
Throw me a rope,
Write me a line,
Friendship binds us together,
And helps us cope.
When life squeezes us,
A familiar voice frees us,
And cheers the heart.
Down the path
Life’s journey throws
Us troubles that
Make us fall.
After tumbling
When you’re crumbling
It’s good to have someone
Dust you off
And pick you up.
The voice of a friend,
Soothes my soul.
April 19, 2005
Apr 15, 2005
Still Broken......
I have been going back and forth between depression and being OK....I have been in a funk for over a month or so. My work has suffered and part of me is not sure if maybe my work is part of the cause. But I don't want to be depressed.....I want to shake free. I want to have a "peace that surpasses understanding." I want to have a joy bubbling out of me...I want my attitude to be better but it has been difficult.
Life has not been fun; it has been drudgery at times. I want it to be a daring adventure! But yet I still find myself broken. I want to get away from my brokenness, yet it dogs me and hounds me. Yet in my weakness, in my frailty I can find the strength of Jesus. In the upside down Kingdom I can find strength in the midst of my weakness; I can find joy in the midst of pain; I can find healing in the midst of "sickness"". As I write of I think of the words of Jesus in Matthew 9:11-13:
On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
If I had it all together and everything was going peachy-keen where is my need for Jesus? I don't have to feel OK; I don't have to be funk-less. I just need to know that Jesus came for people just like me: the broken, the sick, the unrighteous, those who don't have it all together, those in a fog or a funk.
I will end with some verses that I really love.
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I also like the same passage in The Message version:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Life has not been fun; it has been drudgery at times. I want it to be a daring adventure! But yet I still find myself broken. I want to get away from my brokenness, yet it dogs me and hounds me. Yet in my weakness, in my frailty I can find the strength of Jesus. In the upside down Kingdom I can find strength in the midst of my weakness; I can find joy in the midst of pain; I can find healing in the midst of "sickness"". As I write of I think of the words of Jesus in Matthew 9:11-13:
On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
If I had it all together and everything was going peachy-keen where is my need for Jesus? I don't have to feel OK; I don't have to be funk-less. I just need to know that Jesus came for people just like me: the broken, the sick, the unrighteous, those who don't have it all together, those in a fog or a funk.
I will end with some verses that I really love.
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I also like the same passage in The Message version:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Apr 1, 2005
Friendship....
I have not posted in a long time because I gave up Blogging and blogs for Lent.
I have been wanting to have some deeper guy friendships where I live and I was journaling about this on Friday. I was led to a series of verses on friendship that really were not what I expected. The first verse I turned to I have known and loved, Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." Growing up a I had a friend that was my best friend since 8th grade. We met each other the summer before 8th grade when we both had paper routes and got our newspapers dropped of the at the same "drop." I came riding up on a my sisters purple bike with a bannana seat to deliver the my papers. I'm sure I was not the picture of coolness, but rather dorky. But anyway, I will call him Joe. Joe and I spent a lot of time together folding our papers and we quickly became friends.
We were best friends through out high school, we were always together. I would stay over his house on many nights, even on some school nights. It was like I was his brother and his house was my second home. Besides Joe's friendship, his family was an oasis of stability compared to my own broken family. I cherished Joe's friendship. We went to a Youth Group together, were in a Bible study together, we basically came of age together.
But after I got married we drifted some due to different priorities in life. We also went to different churches and just did not see one another as much. After a few years Joe got married and we did some more things together and then were involved in a Bible study with 4 other guys. This helped us draw together again. I also deepended the friendships with the other guys in our Bible study. We met every other week, but it was often enough to connect and go deep.
Then I moved a 100 miles away. That is not really that far, but far enough to feel the distance. Far enough to feel the void distance can create in friendships. Far enought to realize how I took for granted these friendships I had developed over many, many years.
I can call these friends on the phone, and I do, but it is good to hang out with a friend. It is good to be go to coffee with somone instead of just talking on the phone. It is great to laugh with someone, to see and hear them laugh. I have a need to be with people at times, that can fuel me; I am an extovert who makes friends slowly.
God is faithful and provides for me, but not always as quickly as I would lile.
Getting back to some of the other verses I found on friendship:
Proverbs 18:24
"A man of many companions may
come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks
closer than a brother."
Proverbs 12:26
"A righteous man is cautious in
friendship,
but the way of the wicked leads
them astray."
Proverbs 13:20
"He who walks with the wise grows
wise,
but a companion of fools suffers
harm."
Proverbs 27:10
"Do not forsake your friend and the
friend of your father,
and do not go to your brother's
house when disaster strikes
you-
better a neighbor nearby than a
brother far away."
I guess there are areas of brokenness that do linger for me. It is part of living in a fallen world. I will keep looking for the "friend the sticks closer than a brother" and the "brother that is born for adversit." Perhaps someone needs me to be that for them, more than I need that. I pray that our paths will cross.
I have been wanting to have some deeper guy friendships where I live and I was journaling about this on Friday. I was led to a series of verses on friendship that really were not what I expected. The first verse I turned to I have known and loved, Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." Growing up a I had a friend that was my best friend since 8th grade. We met each other the summer before 8th grade when we both had paper routes and got our newspapers dropped of the at the same "drop." I came riding up on a my sisters purple bike with a bannana seat to deliver the my papers. I'm sure I was not the picture of coolness, but rather dorky. But anyway, I will call him Joe. Joe and I spent a lot of time together folding our papers and we quickly became friends.
We were best friends through out high school, we were always together. I would stay over his house on many nights, even on some school nights. It was like I was his brother and his house was my second home. Besides Joe's friendship, his family was an oasis of stability compared to my own broken family. I cherished Joe's friendship. We went to a Youth Group together, were in a Bible study together, we basically came of age together.
But after I got married we drifted some due to different priorities in life. We also went to different churches and just did not see one another as much. After a few years Joe got married and we did some more things together and then were involved in a Bible study with 4 other guys. This helped us draw together again. I also deepended the friendships with the other guys in our Bible study. We met every other week, but it was often enough to connect and go deep.
Then I moved a 100 miles away. That is not really that far, but far enough to feel the distance. Far enough to feel the void distance can create in friendships. Far enought to realize how I took for granted these friendships I had developed over many, many years.
I can call these friends on the phone, and I do, but it is good to hang out with a friend. It is good to be go to coffee with somone instead of just talking on the phone. It is great to laugh with someone, to see and hear them laugh. I have a need to be with people at times, that can fuel me; I am an extovert who makes friends slowly.
God is faithful and provides for me, but not always as quickly as I would lile.
Getting back to some of the other verses I found on friendship:
Proverbs 18:24
"A man of many companions may
come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks
closer than a brother."
Proverbs 12:26
"A righteous man is cautious in
friendship,
but the way of the wicked leads
them astray."
Proverbs 13:20
"He who walks with the wise grows
wise,
but a companion of fools suffers
harm."
Proverbs 27:10
"Do not forsake your friend and the
friend of your father,
and do not go to your brother's
house when disaster strikes
you-
better a neighbor nearby than a
brother far away."
I guess there are areas of brokenness that do linger for me. It is part of living in a fallen world. I will keep looking for the "friend the sticks closer than a brother" and the "brother that is born for adversit." Perhaps someone needs me to be that for them, more than I need that. I pray that our paths will cross.
Jan 31, 2005
Moving Ahead....
I started this blog to chronicle my journey of pain. Now after searching through a multitude of Christian blogs with various viewpoints and Theological leanings I have come to realize how much God's Scripture means to me- His Word, His statues, basically the Bible. I am going to be making some changes, for those who care, at this blog in the next couple weeks. I am still broken, but it is not so acute. I don't ever want to get to the point that I don't think I need the redeeming Grace of Jesus, the work done on the cross, and his rising on the 3rd day. But,I guess I am done wallowing in my pain and want to live the abundant life that Jeus said he has come to give me in John 10:10. I think I have spent a lot of time letting the thief rob and steal the joy and abundance that Jesus brings. Emergence, Evangelicals, Reformed- all of the various blogs I have visited in the last 6 months have played a part in my moving on to a new phase where I am getting back to the basics of standing on God's Word, Hiding it in my heart and meditating on it day and night, instead of focusing so much on my past. Sure, I come from a broken home, sure I hurt, but God is forming me and shaping me on His Potters wheel day by day and as Paul says in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. "
I am wanting to move forward as Paul says,
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:12-14
I will Press On!!
I am wanting to move forward as Paul says,
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:12-14
I will Press On!!
Jan 7, 2005
Blogging, emergents, evangelicals, & other thoughts
I have really been enjoying reading through and trying to understand the emergent movement at various blogs. Some of the stops I have made have been to Willzhead and Baldman Blogging. I have been a little passionate in my discussions and disagreements but it is a good process to go through. Along with that I have also discovered some other perspectives that are closer to my own views, such as The Evangelical Outpost and AdrianWarnock's UK Evangelical Blog, and many others, but mainly those 4. What it has caused me to realize is that I really love the Word of God and I hold it as paramount in my life. Not that I doubted that, it has just reafirrmed that to me. Even more I continue to believe the Bible is absolutely True, being perfect, complete and relevant to our lives. I hopefully have not offended anyone in my comments and beliefs, but I have enjoyed the debate, disscussion, etc. Hopefully some new friendships will form from these exchanges. All of you bloggers for God out there in the blogoshpere, thanks for doing your thing, regardless of whether we are on the same page.
The internet, and blogs in general, is an intersting medium. What fascinates me is how much you now see the prescence of blogs affecting the standard news media outlets, and really in a short time. It is almost like a whole new news structure is forming, like a checks and balance system to the traditional news organizations. It was intersting to see that on the West Wing a couple weeks ago where blogging had a big role of the show, and was even mentioned on this weeks episode.
What is even more amazing is to step back and try to wonder what God is doing in these things.....we will only have to wait and see
I will close with a verse from my favorite book of the Bible, Jeremiah:
Jeremiah 33:3
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'
The internet, and blogs in general, is an intersting medium. What fascinates me is how much you now see the prescence of blogs affecting the standard news media outlets, and really in a short time. It is almost like a whole new news structure is forming, like a checks and balance system to the traditional news organizations. It was intersting to see that on the West Wing a couple weeks ago where blogging had a big role of the show, and was even mentioned on this weeks episode.
What is even more amazing is to step back and try to wonder what God is doing in these things.....we will only have to wait and see
I will close with a verse from my favorite book of the Bible, Jeremiah:
Jeremiah 33:3
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'
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