2009 Goals: Pre-Goal Thoughts

I need some goals this year. "Increase your chances of success by choosing “process goals” such as walking 30 minutes daily over “outcome goals” such as losing 50 pounds or dropping two sizes. Write your goals down. Research shows that writing down goals increases their effectiveness."
So, I need to write down my goals, and they should be process goals instead of outcome goals.

From my previous post, here are some areas I should include: Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Family, Friends and Work should be touched on in my goals.

Fitness: I have the workout center at work and my co-worker is looking in that direction so we can plan to take classes that are not at the same time, and cover for one another when something comes up for work. There is one that meets on Wednesdays at 12 called the Boot Camp: "An all-levels training class featuring strength exercises and interval cardio drills that will whip you into shape." That could cover one day. Now I need to decide how many other days and what and when. There are some good online resources through work that I can get ideas from for this goal.

Spiritual: I have started going to BSF and will continue. I can incorporate the homework into my times with God. I would like to also Journal more. Do I commit to Journaling everyday, no matter what? When I am journaling good things happen for me spiritually....This definately a possibility.

Emotional/Mental Health: I will have to give that some thought. Maybe talking to a counselor through my work's EAP program. There are some good online resources through work that I can get ideas from for this goal.

Family: This needs some attention. We need my middle son to be more stable than he has been and that will help things...but I think we need more than this....this needs more thought, and also some talking over with my wife.

Friends: Well that is something I want more of, close friends locally. Maybe the BSF group will help. I also have to be intentional in this area. I need to pray for this as well. I have a deficit in this area and it will need more brainstorming.

Work: I have some goals from my recent review:
1. Continue your develop with the PBX software and grow in regards to BSR/LAI applications and overall ACD routing on the Avaya. You went to training in April at Avaya for ACD. You will need to own and complete a full routing project for call center. Q309
2. Provide trunking calculations on an ongoing basis for all global call center locations. Look to improve existing format and input drivers. Continue to work with forecasting team to efficiently deliver capacity plans for the PBXs. Q109 - Ongoing
3. Quarterly visits to HQ to review current architecture and routing design projects with HQ staff. Ongoing
4. Establish yourself as the lead engineer in at your location by working all issues with your business partners, your peers, directing techs and projects for the site. Q209

I will have to schedule things for these work goals and make it so they are measurable so I can track my progress.

Well, these seems like a really good start. A lot less daunting than I thought it would be. If feels good to get something in writing.

Here's to a great 2009! Carpe Diem!

2009 is coming

2008 is about to come to a close in less than 2 days. What will 2009 have in store for me? What kind of goals will have for the year? I have been pensive the past several days thinking about things. I want to have some goals. I hope to have some goals: Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Family, Friends and Work should be touched on in my goals. It feels a little daunting thinking about goals. I don't think I had any goals last year. I would like this year to be different. I will ponder over the next couple days to week or so.

Really, I feel pretty worn out and beaten down by life. I'm down and discouraged about some things. I think I'm probably still depressed. A goal should also be to take care of my mental health.

I will ponder on my life and what I want to do for goals.
I like this section of the Bible as I ponder my goals:

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD's Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

Also,

Jeremiah 29:11-14

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. ^[a]

I want some new beginnings, new growth, and new perspective for 2009.

Broken still, after all these years

I was reading through some old blog entries on this blog and there still is a theme running through my life: Brokenness, lack of friends. I have been depressed lately. I take an herbal supplement called St. John's Wort, but it is not really helping that much. A long time ago I used to be on Prozac but did not like the way it made me feel, so I switched to St. John's Wort....that's just some of what is going on. There has been a lot of stress in my life with both work and my son, who has bipolar disorder, and some financial stress. But a big thing in my life as been my distance from God. I've been hiding in anything I can: work, Facebook, busyness. I'm hurting and want to move on but I am still very broken.

When it was time to set up the outside Christmas lights I really didn't want to do it. My wife pointed out that I never want to do it and just asked is there some reason I don't like to do it. Immediately I remembered an incident with this horrible step father named Tommy. Tommy was a drinker and abusive to my mom when I was in 9th and 10th grade. Something happened while he was drunk and I was angry and I came upstairs from our garage with a baseball bat trying to go after Tommy with it. Suddenly as I came after him with it he grabbed it and I still had it then before you knew it, my sister, my mom,Tommy and me all had our hands on the bat and everyone was screaming and we were on the ground struggling with the bat.

All of this flashed through my head in an instant when my wife asked me if there was some reason I didn't like putting up the Christmas lights. I had to go into the house and I just laid down on the bed for 10 minutes or so pondering the brokenness that had bubbled up from the past, from over 25 years ago, when my wife asked a simple question.

I have had a growing dislike, almost hatred of Christmas time over the past several years. I want to attribute it to the commercialization of Christmas, but after the Christmas Lights and the memories it triggered I would have to say it is more, it is deeper than that.

I read through my other blog entries from 2004 and 2005 and I regularly wanted to grow in my relationship with Jesus and was writing in my journal and reading my Bible. I just haven't been that way. I think I hardened over and have been numb, on auto-pilot. I don't want it to be this way. I need the Living water of Jesus to help me. He didn't not come for the healthy but the sick. I feel sick, I feel broken and I need the healing touch of Jesus to help me. I may also need to speak to a counselor and may need prescription medication and not just St. John's Wort.

I look back to a poem that I wrote on April of 2005 and need to hang onto Jesus:

Resting Place

I write out the dark night of my soul
Jesus, only in you am I truly whole.
Fenced in and pinned down,
I only want to fight the pain
That wants to consume me.
Free me from the prison I’m in,
Give me your freedom.
Make my yoke easy
Make my burden light.
For I am so weary,
So very wear.
I need you.
Free me

Here’s my heart,
My heavy, heavy heart
I cast my cares on you, Jesus.
Transcend may anxiousness with peace
That exceeds all my understandings.
Release me from captivity
Into your freedom.
Brake the chains that bind
Satisfy me for I am so faint.
Please restore my soul,
Help me only find rest in you.
Fortify me,
Cover me in your wings
Protect me from the arrows
That fly by day.
Help me sing for joy.
Be my Resting place.

Written April 19, 2005

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Psalm 62:5-6
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Isaiah 61:1-6

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD's Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

Psalm 91:4-5
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Bittersweet

Seeing what I had,
makes me realized what
I don’t have
Friendships far away,
not many
nearby.

Almost 9 years

in the wasteland,
where loneliness
has been my companion.
Makes me wonder if it’s
more than busyness,
more than station in life,
more than unlucky breaks,
and would-have-could-have-beens.

But I can’t go there.

I won’t go there.

Friendships are waiting

out there,
somewhere for me.
I won’t be a victim,
I’ll be proactive.
Join a group,
meet for coffee,
go to a poker party.

The taste of Facebook friendships
from the past,
makes it bittersweet.
People who have known me,
on my “Friends” list.
I’m up to 158,

yet I’m still yearning.

Yearning for the friend down the road,
a short walk or drive away,
instead of
a million miles away

at the end a computer click.

Bittersweet,
Friendships on Facebook,
remind me of what I had,
back there,

before I moved away.

December 20, 2008

Wordle of a Post

I found a cool thing and I made one of my posts into a collage:
Still_Broken...

The Note

A plastic bottle of Coke exploded, spilling
all over an important crumpled note,
making it completely unreadable.

The old man pulls out
his dirty handkerchief to clean up
tearing the note to shreds.

The unhinged door of my mind opened,
snow fell as the hockey puck hit my head,
knocking me out cold.
I’ll never remember

what happened to the note.

May 10, 2008

This is for the Friday Five prompt over at Poefusion.

Old Poem

Trees Embracing People

I’ve heard of tree huggers,
but can a tree embrace people?
Down in the meadow, I can see it now:

Bob the Oak and Sally the Maple talk,
sharing the latest gossip by the pond cooler.
“Did you hear about Frank?” Bob asks.
“Oh yeah, I heard that he’s taken up with them,
those ‘People Huggers,’ that’s weird,” said Sally.
“Soon he’ll want to demonstrate and wave
some signs, ‘Save The People,’” quipped Bob.
Yeah, it starts out small, wanting to embrace humans,
before you know it he’ll be a card-carrying member
of some whacko humanitarian group!”
“Yeah, Bob I agree. Let the people
blow themselves up, there’s plenty of them left,
we don’t need them anyway, we’ll be
around long after they’re extinct.
2 words: Giant Sequoias,” laughed Sally.
“Yeah. Well that’s too bad about Frank, though….did
you hear about those new worms in the soil?”

May 25, 2004

In My Backyard

Grass seedlings, left untouched
go rotten.
Weeds crowd out the important.
Urgent junk fills in the empty spots.

When leaves fall in Autumn
I just keep trimming the bushes
and weeds overtake me.
Overwhelmed, I do nothing,
taking a nap instead.

In Winter I wake only
to find my backyard filled
with dead trees, brown grass
an old Chevy pickup with a rusted out bed,
jacked up on cinder blocks

Another Deep-Space Transmission

He sends me deep-space transmissions,
my video mail screen flashes daily.
“Master, my new doghouse is fantastic.
you’ve out done yourself again. My voice
has lost all American-dog accent
thanks to the voice modulation treatments,
the modified iPhone you sent has done wonders.”

Fido is loyal.
His multiple daily video emails,
do seem excessive.
Reminds me of his younger days.
He would follow me,
laying at my feet in
whatever room I was in.

Fido has been living in space
fourteen years this past January,
as loyal as the day I brought him home.

May 5, 2008
This poem was motivated by a prompt over at ReadWritePoem.

NaPoWriMo Completed

I wrote 27 poems during the month of April for National Poetry Writing Month. I wanted to get 30 done but I couldn't quite make it. I have written almost 40 poems since mid March so I feel good about this.

NaPoWriMo # 22 (Make up for day 22)

Urban Prairie Dogs

Cubicles are lined up in rows,
like on a farm of prairie dogs.
Working away, taking many calls,
in the call center, with low walls.

Occasionally a prairie dog pops his head
above the cube wall,
between calls,
seen by the supervisor.

“Get back in your burrow,
we have callers waiting,”
The pale prairie dog agent
plugs back in his headset,
digging into the cubicle,
“Thank you for call,
my name is….”

Dilbert is laughing,
more material for his comic strip.

April 30, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 18 (Make up for day 18)

We Are Down

Administering the PBX ,
I mean phone system, I found 19 T1s down,
I check the by 24-line phones lines
and find nothing wrong on our end.
I put a ticket in to check the carrier, AT&T
While all this is going on
supervisors call my cell phone, repeatedly.
The 10 voicemails on my phone tell me,
in no uncertain terms, there are
no calls in queue, the agents are
sitting idle.

Trying the outside toll free #, 800-Buy Stuff,
and I am getting a fast busy signal.
Oh no, Service Levels
Take a dive,
customer satisfaction
down the tubes, when they can’t
get through.

AT&T calls,
“Does your equipment have power?”
“Is your line coding b8zs?”
“Can we do intrusive testing”

Yes,
Yes and
Yes….we are not getting any calls, Intrusively test away.
All T1s are back up, now!
AT&T did nothing, they say.
Likely story.
What, now the queues are flooded with calls?!

Just another day in the call center.

April 30, 2008

Written from the prompt on Jargon at Read Write Poem.

NaPoWriMo # 17 (Make Up)

Lead Balloons

My energy is low.
Lead balloons hang on my shoulders.

I’m stuck in my seat,
clicking away on my computer.

Can’t seem to shake the tiredness
that hangs over me like fog
covering San Francisco Bay.

Zombi-like I make it through my workday.

Emotions take me down a track,
to a tunnel deep within.

Introspection and silence overwhelm me.

Fear and paralysis lead me to wonder if
depression has grabbed me,
or am I just over-tired

maybe it’s some of both.

April 30, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 30

News In My Email

My friend is sick, only 42,
needs a liver transplant,
after his gall bladder was removed,
two days before,
after a pace maker was put in,
four months before,
after he fainted several times,
two months before
after he found his job may be ending,
six months before.

Email updates for prayer,
sent out twice daily,
50 people on the list,
a chain of phone calls behind
the email list ,
keeps me informed,
almost in a clinical way,
reading news of a dear friend’s peril.

Life can be fragile,
not old, but no longer young.
I feel powerless,
as reading a news article detailing
events of a man in Australia but my
friends name was inserted in the article.
More such emails will come about
news of friends and loved ones.
Our invincibility has made
way for fragility.
Value time with family and friends.
Tragedy and hospital visits,
late calls and unexpected emails,
may change everything,
as life goes on....

I keep checking my email
hoping the next update
brings better news of my friend.


April 30, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 26

Digital Natives

My kids are digital natives.
They don’t know a time,
Without the internet, email and cell phones.
They can watch “TV”
on the TV or on the Disneychannel.com.
Club Penguin, Webkins, and other virtual
worlds for kids are their play grounds.
When my son was 3 he could
out-mouse his grandmother

They think it novel,
when we talk of the old days.
I wrote letters,
with pen and paper,
to their mom when she
was away at college.

Cell phones now ubiquitous,
once we used pay phones.
4 out of 5 us have a cell phone,
sharing minutes, keeping linked together.

Reality is we are all becoming more digital:
More with each email,
more with each cell call,
more with each mouse click.

We are digital immigrants,
traveling further and further
from an analog, snail-mail, world,

Into the natural digital world
our kids inhabit as naturally as
drinking a glass of water.

April 26, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 24

Get Back Quickly

I rode my bike 5 miles to the ATM,
my mother told me to get
as much cash as allowed.
We needed to get to a hotel,
before he got back from his drunken rage.

A thirteen year old on an adult's errand,
I just did what I was told.
So I pedaled quickly in the dark,
across town with my
mother's ATM card and PIN number
in my pocket.

NaPoWriMo # 23

Roller Coaster Ride

The stock market is emotional,
at times a basket case. It’s like
a legal gambling playground,
for grown-ups.
Wild ups and downs, turning
on the words of men like
Bernanke now, and Greenspan before.
One day the Bulls run,
the next the Bears growl.
Boys listening to stories of
Chicken Little and Humpty Dumpty
show more control.

The roller coaster ride grabs
the attention of many big kids,
who lose their marbles,
at the thought of a thrilling ride.

April 23, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 21

Purpose

Poetry-- is it
high end journaling or more
message for masses?

NaPoWriMo # 20

A Blessing At Ground Zero

Fire and Ground Zero,
the lives of many of New York’s
finest were lost.

The Pope spoke with and
prayed for 24 today.
A brother of a man from Ladder
114 met with the Pope.

He stood for Jimmy,
who was found by him
and his father 6 years ago.
The brother spoke to the Pope,
selected out of many, hopefully
healing will come

4 Brothers, and a father
before, them wore the uniform.
“God bless you ,”
said the pope.
3 brothers remain
in the uniform,
fighting fires,
for Jimmy.

Ground Zero,
In memory of the ,
fallen heroes, sacred
resting place for many souls.

April 20, 2008

Inspired by an article in the New York Times

NaPoWriMo # 19

Broken Heart

Collateral damage,
brings the sober truth
after
lives torn apart
The heartbreaking trauma of

Divorce

Illness

Emotional pain

Death
of emotion,
of trust,
of love,
of life.

“Sorry I meant to say”,

Falls so flat.

The heart is just an organ
But so fragile in emotion,
In life.

I carry your heart
in my heart.

April 19, 2008

Missed a day for NaPoWriMo

I missed a day. I didn't write a poem yesterday. I could blame it on traveling home from Denver, but I had time to write a poem, but was doing other things. I will keep going and post one today and try to come back with one for the 17th.

Poem In Your Pocket Day (poem on my blog instead)

Today is Poem in your pocket day, as mentioned by Michelle over at Poefusion To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time
by Robert Herrick
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying; And this same flower that smiles today Tomorrow will be dying. The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, The higher he's a-getting, The sooner will his race be run, And nearer he's to setting. That age is best which is the first, When youth and blood are warmer; But being spent, the worse, and worst Times still succeed the former. Then be not coy, but use your time, And while ye may, go marry; For having lost but once your prime, You may forever tarry.

NaPoWriMo # 16

Other Lawns

Snow falls in Denver while I
think about the Subway in New York
Wanderlust captures my thoughts,
when I go somewhere new. The grass
is so green in these new places.
Visiting Dallas, Atlanta, Knoxville, green
grew as it did in Knoxville and San Antonio.
After 2 weeks in Scottsdale for work, the color
faded for me.

I can’t be happy where I am,
always wanting to be on a different lawn.
Those other lawns might end be brown and
burnt or even we and swampy. I still am wherever
I go, my problems come along .
In the morning
I’d still have to mow the grass.

April 16, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 15

Who am I Made to Be?

I want to try,
If I could fly,
But my feet are on the ground,
So often not making a sound.
If I would fight, I could
with all my might,
Find myself,
Find myself,
To be someone else,
Other that the facade I wear,
But could I dare,
to risk all my insecurities
getting rid of all my vanities,
and be the man, God made me to be.

April 15, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 14

Day Fourteen in Denver

Dead tired after
a plane ride to Denver.
Parking was bad in Downtown
but didn’t get the “Denver Boot”,
just fed the meters lots of quarters.
Took pictures
of two different Starbucks,
I’m a bit of a coffee addict & fanatic,
while taking in the Denver atmosphere.
Back at my hotel,
I laughed out loud alone,
as I watched a Youtube video
of an elephant in Burma,
painting a self portrait.
How profound.

I’m dead tired.

April 14, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 13

Perfect Day

On a planet far away,
a talking dog has a perfect day.
Rex got up, as usual,
read the paper.
He drank his Sumatra Coffee,
while riding the bullet tube to work.
His boss sauntered in after him,
never asking about the report,
three weeks overdue.

Work day done,
tube ride back to his section of town,
met Lulu at the dog park.
Ooh there were some good smells today.
Another quick tube ride across town with Lulu.
Met the guys at the Dogotorium.
Puffed a few excellent Martian cigars,
and had an excellent dinner.
They make the best bone filet there.

Later, when Lulu and he were alone,
drinking coffee with dessert at Barkbucks,
Rex was fearless
he popped the question.
Lulu said yes.
She would be his bride.

April 13, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 12

Throw It Out With the Trash

Throw it out,
I can’t think.
Throw it out,
I just blink.
Throw it out,
not the baby.
Throw it out,
with the trash.
Throw it out,
empty egg cartons.
Throw it out,
empty promises.
Throw it out,
hollow words.
Throw it out,
writer’s block.
Throw it out,
can’t even talk.
Throw it out,
without your clout.
Throw it out,
In a pinch.
Throw it out,
life’s a cinch.
Throw it out,
old dirty sock.
Throw it out,
big red rock.
Throw it out,
what a rout.
Throw it out,
don’t you pout.
Throw it out,
old sour milk.
Throw it out,
moth-eaten silk.
Throw it out,
dirty diaper pail.
Throw it out,
piles of mail.
Throw it out,
lines not written.
Throw it out,
dreams not lived.
Throw it out,
trips not taken.
Throw it out,
chances passed by.
Throw it out,
days I’ve wasted.
Throw it out,
regrets of yesterday
Throw it out,
long carried grudges
Throw it out,
anger expressed hastily.
Throw it out,
my self- doubt.
Throw it out,
week old trout.

Throw it out,
without a doubt.

April 12, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 11

Stuck On The Prairie

They mouth freedom,
So livid at the majesty,
Not seen in the garden.
They want to imagine a brilliant time
When their enterprise
Brings to fruition
Years of hard work.

Until then,
The are like immigrants
In a covered wagon
Stuck on the prairie,
Putting the comfort
Of their opinions away

April 11, 2008
Poem made started from randomly picking magnetic poetry words.

NaPoWriMo # 10: I am Captivated

I am Captivated

I hear words play,
condensed, distilled,
large, rich and full.
Over and over,
new scenes unfold.
The clock ticks,
midnight looms.
The calendar page
is tipping while I hurry.
Robert Pinksy speaks,
Stanley Kunitz presents,
Louise Glück and others
I never met
hold my attention.

Recordings of poems
echo still, even
after my iPod stopped.

NaPoWriMo # 9.5

I will post poem # 10 later, but thought this was really cool and can be found here. I saw this on Chicklegirl's site for her NaPoWriMo # 8.

NaPoWriMo # 9: Far From Home

Far From Home

Friends are far away,
heart lonely
Many voicemails left.

Loyalty I have
for them, but
I need more friendships.

Virtual world can
be lonely,
Need more real contact.

Eight years of desert,
wilderness
is wearing on me.

Hundred miles away
doesn’t seem
as far as it feels.

Phone calls and email
Is often
not enough for me.

Should I return home,
is the grass,
as green as I hope?

Or is the story,
for me, you
can’t get there from here.

Friends are far away;
my time in
the desert prevails

April 9, 2008

This Poem is a Lune, and was a prompt at Poefusion Blog. The Lune was invented by poet Robert Kelly. It's a three line poem with a syllable count of 5/3/5.

NaPoWriMo # 8

Former Wisconsin Beauty Queen

Flowered mesh captures hair floating above sun-glassed eyes
She sneaked the harsh Chinese cigarettes
Striking the match on the bottom of her shoe
Her cloyingly touch caused my brother to seethe
She changed her name and learned to swim
Rolled her hips and shimmied at a club on Calle Ocho.

She’s a bit of a strange old bird
With her nest of curly gray hair
So, three husbands and two dogs later,
she left Kenosha and
moved down to Ft. Lauderdale.

She’s making friends and breaking
hearts at the Royal Palms Retirement Community.
There she spikes the punch on bingo night,
and raises eyebrows and heartbeats with
her provocative, flamboyant shuffleboard style.
She may get kicked out,
once again,
If her chain-smoking
doesn’t finish her off first.

April 8, 2008
Finished from lines of a Chain Poem at ReadWritePoem.

NaPoWriMo # 7: Flight to Boston

Flight to Boston

I had to get to the airport,
to catch a flight to Boston.
I thought it best
to get to the airport by bicycle.
I could not get the over-sized suitcase
onto the small bike rack,
that hangs over the back tire.

At the last minute had to catch a cab,
and somehow arrived at the airport
nine hours early for my flight to Boston.
I camped out in a tent city
at the airport, my stuff strewn about
everywhere, with all the other nomads.

The airport white phone,
kept calling my name,
interfering with my airport camp out.
Each time I got back from the
white courtesy phone, my campsite
became larger, more dispersed.

After hitting the snooze,
maybe a dozen times
I cancelled my flight,
packed up my suitcase,
moved out of the tent city,

And got dressed for work.

April 7, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 6: Secret Agent

Secret Agent

The paper fell down from the window as a butterfly,
it was barely legible, going through a vapor of steam,
steam from a vaporizer that calmed the babies cry.
I woke up suddenly, wishing it was only a bad dream.

The dampness of my sweat completely soaked my hair,
while the train I rode on passed by a lake,
and like the young foal of a mare
the train was carrying me to my rendezvous, I am late.

This steam drenched paper must prove more than a test,
what will I gather from the papers to create?
Among the secret documents I’ve now found a mess,
enough to keep the KGB agent from thinking he can sedate
me and keep from thinking their scheme
was more than a pile of broken wicker.

April 5, 2008

Prompt from Poefusion using the format, Bout-Rimes, with the words:
The words are:
butterfly, steam, cry, dream
hair, lake, mare, late
test, create, mess, sedate
scheme, wicker

Bout-Rimes is French for "rhymed ends." A bouts- rimes poem is created by one person's making up a list of rhymed words and giving it to another person, who in turn writes the lines that end with those rhymes, in the same order in which they were given.

NaPoWriMo # 5: Exciting Routines

Exciting Routines

Trash,
who needs it anyway.
You have to always,
Go out and dump it,
it smells and is messy.
Then you have to remember
to put it out to the curb,
on the right night,
with the right combo of cans,
“Is it green waste or
is it recycling this week?”

Mail,
now that’s another exciting topic.
Our mail man loves us,
Always having to stuff our mail
into our box.
It’s his guilty pleasure.

One time he cut us off.
My wife had to go down and pick it up,

And he caught her there:
“I know you, “ he said, startling
and embarrassing her as
he handed the huge stack to her.

We love to let it pile up on the counter….

April 5, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 4: Purple Flowers

Purple Flowers

I remember

The purple flowers in the vase,
my eleven-year-old daughter gave to me
for Christmas when she was three.
Bought at the dollar store,
the love in them is priceless.

I remember

Her standing on the toy box
at less than 2 with zest and zeal,
declaring herself, “Captain S., the Story Teller!”
I see her clapping in a silly motion,
getting us both to join in.

Now I see

The days of soccer t-shirts everyday
have moved onto the shelf,
making room for more
fashionable clothes from Limited Too.

She’s growing now, a tween,
Hannah Montana and other
Disney shows are the soundtrack
that plays in our house now. Her Netflix
queue always has something new
to send out. Soon she's off to Jr. High
and high school not long after that.
Later I will look back to
Her Hannah Montana days,
with fondness, when she’s left her behind,
for someone new.

I will remember

One day my little girl
Leaving home for college,
then walking her down the aisle,
and giving her away.

Right now

I just want to remember
the purple flowers that say
“I love you Daddy”

April 4, 2008

NaPoWriMo # 3: Siren’s Calling

Siren’s Calling

Starbucks' cup logo is changing to brown, what a travesty upon us!

The green mermaid calls as I circumnavigate the globe, to my office cubicle.

Like a beacon of light she guides through the waves of cars, I hear her voice.

I hear the siren calling out to me. No, it’s a police car chasing!

What's that officer? You don't care about mermaids….I ran a red light.

Don't worry about brown, he says, yellow is your color today, your Ticket!

(This poem is a made up of multiple American Sentences, developed as an alternative to Haiku by Allen Ginsberg. An American sentence is 17 syllables in one line. )

NaPoWriMo # 2

Aunt Ada

Aunt Ada came to live us
when she was 70, not able
to live on her own anymore.
I remember the long drive to Clear Lake
to bring the small, thin woman
back to our home.
Her house was dark and had a musty smell to it,
with lots of nick knacks
collected through the years.

Early on we found out she had cancer,
after a lifetime of smoking.
At Christmastime I went to Macy’s
to find a gift for her with
a friend from school. We asked
the salesperson for a teacup,
but it had to be “very light,
since she's not in good health.”
What a funny sight,
two young guys
in the China section.

Aunt Ada was a feisty old woman,
defiant to the end.
She sneaked the harsh Chinese cigarettes
my step dad brought from China,
that were too strong for him.
We found the empty boxes in her dresser
when sorting through her things,
after she passed away.

My mom passed on her dresser
to me, when I married 15 years ago.
It still sits in my room today.

April 2, 2008

The Diving Board for this poem was the prompt on Aunts over at ReadWritePoem.

NaPoWriMo # 1

Legacy

What do I pass on,
What is the legacy I leave my children?
The heritage passed on from me,
May it be honorable,
Not one of anger, strife, or abandonment.

What legacy was left for me?
Parents began with an affair,
dissolved 13 years later in divorce,
not a sturdy foundation for my sister and me.
My father suffered mentally,
Several breakdowns ravaged him.
We were built on brokenness,
Multiple step-parents on both sides,
Came in and out of lives
We cobbled together the life we could,
We had each other,
we found family in friends,
stability in Faith.

Both married now with kids,
We are building our families, our legacies.
A new generation formed,
Commitment, love, faith and hard work,
Shape the new families,
We forge a new way.

What’s deep inside us,
only activated with the pressure
And stress that children sometimes bring?
Fighting siblings, disabilities, reactions, passions,
Emotions sometimes bubble out,
Surprising us.
Responding or reacting,
Which one happens?
Contentment or combustion,
What legacy calls from the past
To the future we are molding?
We must battle
must not settle
for what comes naturally
through inertia.
Legacies of brokenness
do not have to be the ones
we leave, but will not be easy.
We must unravel the brokenness
that shaped us.
Conscious effort,
self-assessment,
covered with prayer,
we must fight,
building better legacies.
Legacy of love, stability,
legacy of commitment, perseverance,
we must build a wall
around our families.
A fortress of strength and stability
will protect our children.
A foundation of faith and love,
builds a better heritage,
a stronger castle,
not on sinking sands.

April 1, 2008

NaPoWriMo

I am going to be writing a poem a day during National Poetry Writing Month (NaPoWriMo). I have started to write more recently and this is a good challenge that I think I am ready for. It seems like there are a lot of people out there doing it, so this should be fun.

Here I go, I'm jumping in!

Update:
There are some great resources over at ReadWritePoem for the NaPoWriMo, especially this post, informal talk about forms: a brief naprowrimo approach. They also have a button that you can put on your blog:

Feeling Better

I think I have been feeling somewhat better these days. I have been writing more poems and I don't feel depressed as I did before. Also, I'm wondering if the weather has a little bit to do with it as it has been warmer and sunnier. I'm also about to go on vacation and my wife and I are going on a 4 night cruise. So something like that would tend to lift anyone's spirits a bit. Whatever the reason, I feel somewhat better.

Here is a poem I wrote earlier in the week that is lighter in content, for the most part, but was something I had fun writing:

Stream of Consciousness

The words are in my head
And want to come out.
Where will they be,
Should I hurry or scurry,
Where, o Where will I go.
This way or that,
My fingers don’t know where the paper flows.
It keeps going
the page might
End and Then
Where will the letters
Fall?
Go, Go the stream of consciousness
Knows not where it goes,
Poem to prose,
How does one know.
Faster
Faster
Faster,
I type and I’m tight,
But I want to be light
On my fingers,
But they are so often
Stuck in pockets,
But the sockets of my eyes
Can be so dry that I can’t
See what I would write.
Shall it light or heavy,
I think I will buy a Chevy,
Take it to the Levy,
But you know about the levy and Chevy,
Well they’re not wet.
This can be fun to run
Seeing where the writing will take me.
Will I go back to correct
Back to correct,
Or leave as is,
And was.
I don’t know where I’ll go.
But the words want to flow.
The streams in the dessert.
The words are down in there
And they want to bust out.
Oh, now a trout,
That could bust and out
A trout that could swim
Upstream
Like a dream
Ripped at the seam
Dashed on the rocks
Its no Goldilocks.
But like hard liquor
It goes down and it’s bitter,
The burn and the bile
It will take a while,
For the words to work
Themselves out of my brain,
Like a train on the track,
They’re not coming back.
Quick think,
I’m on the brink,
Hillary threw the kitchen sink,
She’s playing hardball.
She wants politics to be her playground,
Is she the bully or
Just working the angles or
Working us over,
Trying to pulling over,
Trying to change her tune,
Just whistling Dixie,
She’s no trixie.
What do I prattle on
About the rattle
And the battle’s on.
The election,
Most important ever,
Or so they say,
But we’ll live another day,
Another scandal,
Another broken promise,
Empty words,
More complicated scenarios,
Briefed at 3 in the morning,
While Saturday night live re-runs
drone on in the background,
The president laughs,
As Chris Matthew has more interviews
And there are more briefings,
That we never know about,
until we’re in another one that we
Can’t get out of,
Exercise in democracy and
Nation building,
Suddenly from light hearted,
The tone changes to heavy.
I was just practicing,
Poem-ing.
But that’s the funny thing,
You never know how
You get from A to Z.

March 17, 2008

Coming Back to It again.....Brokenness

I always want to pretend I'm OK. I'm not.

At times I can be so sad and at other times I can be so angry. Sometimes I do not get along very well with my middle son, but at times it is more me than him, if I am being honest with myself. I would like to get away from this blog's name but I keep coming back around to the brokenness within me. I can't fix myself no matter how hard I try. I need your help, Jesus. I guess this like my journal at times, when I can't bring myself to open my paper journal. Maybe it is the fact that at times, people do respond back and that does not happen with my paper journal.

I long for deeper friendships, and friends that actually live in the city I am in, not 100 miles away in my old city. It is hard to make friends as everyone at this station in life is so busy with their own families. I long for community that I just don't have now. I long for one or more buddies that I can do something with on the spur of the moment and just hang out. I reach out to many of my friends that are far away, but that is not really happening much. The distance is great enough that "Out of sight, out of mind" comes into play. Or at least that is how it feels where I am sitting. 8 years just past at the beginning of this month that I have been gone from my home town. I sometimes think it would be great to move back to my old city, but I am not sure if it would or not. I have friends there that I have had there since high school, and now I am 40 years old. My sister is in that city. My parents are in that city. I have said on multiple occasions that if I died I would not want to be buried in this city, but my old city. But, my family is in this city. My kids have spent most of their lives in this city, one was born here. Why has it been so hard here. I feel like I have been in the wilderness up here and I don't know why...I don't know if I just suck at making friends or what. But also, know matter where you go, there you are....I will bring myself with me if I go back to my home city.

I also know that I'm not turning to Jesus to meet my needs very much at all. I don't know, maybe I am depressed as well and that can cloud how you feel about things. Jesus, help me in all areas of my life. I am so weary from all the busyness of work, home and life in general. There is a lot of noise that fills up my brain, a lot of distractions that keep from drawing closer to Jesus. Oh boy, life just feels hard right now. I want a break form things....I guess I am having a little break right now....I was going to go to Costco with my wife and son and then I was having a little bit of melt down over a sandwich I was making. My wife gave me a pass on Costco. So I do have a little break. As I am writing this I do feel somewhat better. I'm not handling stress in my life that well in recent days. It all can be overwhelming at times. I am weary, I am tired, but I am not as stressed as I was 30 minutes ago.

I am broken
I need more of Jesus.
I want more friends nearby.
Things aren't as bad as they seem,
life can be difficult, but
it is good to have a break once in a while.
Thank you Jesus.
Fill my brokenness.
Be my friend, Jesus.
Fix me, because I can't fix myself

Thinking a lot lately

I have been thinking about creativity a lot lately and wanting to write more. Maybe needing to write more. I wrote a silly poem today that was fun about coffee and the, on then sly I posted it in the coffee room. Here it is:

Coffee Room Etiquette

I see the pot,
and it’s not a lot.
Do I take and make,
or just take.

To arrive at the pot
and it’s dark goo.
What’s one to do?
Someone took
and did not look
back.

My cup will kill it,
will I refill it?
Take and not make.
Mostly I make,
so I can freely take.
No guilty conscience here.

Addiction, not me…Oh Nooo!
Who didn’t make the coffee,
left the quarter inch burn?!?!?!?

The worst in want,
is not an empty pot,
but when overflowed,
the culprit did go,
knowing someone
will clean
their mess.

Do I take and not make?

Hopefully there will be more such writings. I have been so stressed out about most things in life. I need to have more fun than I have been having because life has been just plain hard. I think I make it harder than it is, really. I am often grumpy with my family when I could be writing little ditties about coffee and other silly things. I really need to lighten up more and relax, let down my hair. I think I am often too serious and need more levity, so I can have longevity. So many things in the news are depressing: Elliot Spitzer, the credit crisis, global warming, Iraq, mudslinging politics, gas prices, and the endless reports of vicious crimes.

I just really need to lighten up and have more fun and let my hair down a little. There are enough depressing things going on in the world without my adding to it.

From Brokenness to Splendor

You think all is behind you,
Painful past, wounds suffered ages ago.
But the pain bubbles up from beneath,
Oozing into the present from cracks
That lead down to caverns of pain.

40 years old and the pain brings me back,
back to a childhood of brokenness.
The pain affects the type of parent I am,
The kind of man I am.
The anvil of pain pounded me and shaped me.
It keeps coming back
To me again and again.
When I least expect it,
It resurfaces.

Jesus heal me with your healing balm.
Bandage up my brokenness, fill up
The caverns of pain, bind up my wounds,
Free me from the captivity pain has bound me in,
Release me from the darkness in the caverns.
Bring me into your light,
Restore the ruins within me,
Rebuild the cities where my pain lives.
Bind up my broken heart.

Grow me into your oak of righteousness,
A display of your splendor.
Robe me in your garments of salvation,
With your jewels upon my head.

Ideas from Isaiah 61

Written January 24, 2008

Malise

I spoke to a long time friend this morning and we were talking about life and how it can be hard sometimes....I turned 40 in October and he's 42. Sometimes it is hard to determine when you tired, worn out, weary, or actually depressed. We live in a country that was founded on "Pulling your self up by the boot straps," so it can be hard to admit weakness, vulnerability. Do you go to a doctor and get checked out if you think you're depressed? Or do you just slough it off and try to ignore it, get a cup of coffee and move on with things.

I want things to be different for me. I have not written much lately. I have not played my guitar in ages. I have been immersed in technology and the Internet these days. I have been running on a hamster wheel each day have not gotten off long enough to take a look around....until lately.

I hope to write here more often, if nothing else, for myself, but if it encourages someone out there that would be great too.